[narrator] If I had to pick a yearbook quote, it would be,
"Lonely in life, popular in death."
-See that girl flying up in the air? -[shutter clicks]
That's me, Darby Harper.
My upbringing was pretty awesome at first.
-[chuckles] That's my mom. -[cheers]
I was following in her iconic cheer footsteps.
[crowd cheering]
Back then, I thought I knew who I was and who I wanted to be.
-Until everything came crashing down. -[Mom] There's Dad.
-Darby! -[water splashes]
My mom and I died on the same day.
[lifeguard] One. Two…
And even though I technically came back from the other side,
-[thunder rumbling] -I was never the same.
What was different about me? Are you sitting down for this?
[whispering] I see dead people.
[normal voice] Everywhere.
And it turns out the dead,
-or "Deados" as I like to call them, -[Darby] Excuse me.
actually needed my help.
-[Dad] Hey. -[Darby's friends cheering]
So, that's when I turned my back on the living world
and decided to start my little side hustle,
-counseling local spirits. -Hello.
Over time, I learned that not every person who died stuck around.
Only those who have some unfinished business.
-[doorbell rings] -And this is where I come in…
-[door opens] -…as a spiritual messenger of sorts,
making sure the Deados don't get stuck in a world that no longer sees them.
With my assistance, these spirits were able to cross over,
which is pretty beautiful.
Word spread in the purgatory circuit, and my after-school job took off.
Hey, how are you?
There's no pay,
but if dead people gratitude had monetary value,
I'd be Jeff Bezos.
[car horn honks]
You'd think witnessing dead people say, "Goodbye" over and over again
would be my biggest burden,
but it is a distant second
to the torturous realm where I am forced to spend my days, high school.
I can't believe you think this is a better education than homeschooling.
[scoffs] I mean, look at them.
Honey, I have a hard time getting you to come out for dinner.
I mean, how else can I get you to socialize?
I make, like, ten new dead friends a week. How much more social can I get?
-[bell rings] -[Dad] I love you.
[Darby] Love you too.
Try to have a good day.
-[student outside school] Hey, babe. -Hey, isn't that Capri Donahue?
[student whistles]
Honey, I just don't get why you two stopped hanging out.
You were joined at the hip. Maybe y'all should reconnect.
Oh, no. I lost my hard-earned smile.
[engine starts]
[students chattering]
It truly amazes me that at the most formative time of their lives,
a time that should be about self-discovery,
and finding what is individual and unique about themselves,
they instead choose to homogenize in groups
that give them the unhealthy acceptance they so deeply crave.
You're so lucky your mom let you.
I was going under the knife for my deviated septum anyway,
so we just thought that we'd get my boobs done at the same time.
And that's why I'd rather hang out with the unliving than the unwoke.
[skater dude 1 burps]
-Gross, sorry. -Hey, dude,
La Croix eruption at Mount McMuffin, dude.
Did I mention that I spent last Friday night discussing modern art
with a woman who claimed to be Frida Kahlo's lover? Just saying.
[sighs]
In the ecosystem of high school,
I'm basically a hermit crab hiding under a reef.
And I wouldn't have it any other way.
That's my friend, Gary. He's a "Stayer." A Stayer is a Deado who--
-[laughing] Oh, my God. No way! -I know. And she said, "Fetch."
-Ew. -Your jacket is really cute, by the way.
Oh, thanks. It's amazing what I can do with a sewing machine and a little thread.
Capri Donahue.
Head phony. Ever heard of someone described as having solid character?
Oh, my God. The Sweet Seventeen promo video?
-I know. -Oh, I'm living for it.
Well, Capri's is pure particle board.
[singsongy] I know!
Good morning, Miss Lyman. You look like a breath of fresh air.
[coughing] Kiss ass.
Oh, Darby. Forgot you went here.
Hmm.
-[student] Babe. -[Capri gasps] Jamesy!
I missed you.
In case you couldn't tell by that dramatic Bachelor Nation-style spin,
that's Capri's boyfriend.
James Harris was a band geek
who had been completely invisible to Capri until--
♪ I needed you, oh But I never showed ♪
♪ And I wanna stay with you Until we're gray and old ♪
Even though he didn't make it past the blind audition round,
it was enough fame for Capri
to turn her chair and set her thirsty hooks in him.
-[bell rings] -Good morning, newly minted junior class.
-Whoo! -[Lyman] Welcome to biology lab.
Before you get too comfortable, I've paired you up with your lab partner
alphabetically by last name.
Go ahead and take a seat with that person.
I don't even have to look at the list. Ever since first grade, it's always--
-Harper. -Harris.
Uh, Miss Lyman, I need to be partnered with James
because I'm trained to assist him with his learning disability.
[whispering] He has dyslexia.
[softly] No, he doesn't.
I'm sure James will manage on his own, Capri.
[sighs]
Capri knows I'm the one person she can't get to like her.
I'm the one girl in school who doesn't wanna be her,
the one person who can see through her bullshit.
[clears throat]
[sighs]
-[laughs] -Hi, baby.
Babe, I'm at a different table. I'm not going off to war.
Oh, my God. Don't even say that.
All right. Let's get started.
Uh, excuse me, Miss Lyman? There's an ass on my desk.
-[students giggling] -Oh, I'm sorry. This is a fresh blowout.
I didn't even see anyone was sitting here.
[whispering] Freak show.
I'm sorry. She can be a little extra sometimes. [chuckles]
Extra psychotic.
-I like your Chucks. -Oh, thanks.
Yeah.
James is a good guy.
He was actually my first crush back in sixth grade. [inhales sharply]
Before I realized that romantic relationships are just a social construct
people created to avoid the fact that we're all helplessly alone in this world.
-[Gary chuckles] -Mmm. I got you this time.
I do.
-Hmm. Boom. -Eh, nah, nah, nah, nah. Bishop to e4.
Ugh, crap. That's--
Yeah, that's-- That would be checkmate.
Mmm.
[inhales deeply] And that would also be two more bucks you owe me, kid.
Come on. You don't even use money.
I know, I know. But I love to leave it in Linda's purse.
She gets a big boost when she finds it. Treat herself to some fancy coffee drink.
[sighs] All right. That is pretty frigging adorable.
[laughs] All right, come on. Pay up.
[sighs] I really wish you took Venmo.
[bell rings]
I hope you have a wonderful rest of the day.
Thank you, Gary. I appreciate it. I'll try.
[chattering]
[students chattering in background]
Hey, hi. Uh, you're the girl from the bleachers, right?
Uh, I don't talk to clients here.
Uh. [chuckles]
Come by my office Friday night, okay? That's where I work.
Work--
-Oh, shit. -[laughs] Are you okay?
I mean, you look like you've just seen a ghost.
[sighs] The opposite, actually. I thought you were--
Never mind. I just-- I haven't seen you before.
Great. You two found each other.
-Alex is new, and he's gonna need… -Oh, God. Please, no.
…a junior study buddy to show him the ropes.
[Darby titters]
[whispering] He just transferred in from a Montessori school,
so all this is pretty foreign to him.
Oh, okay. Yeah, I don't know if I'm the best person to do that.
Sure, you are. You're an honors student, and you both seem like such--
-He's thinking, "Weirdos." -Abstract thinkers.
-Mmm. [chuckles] -Yeah.
Extracurricular activities meet-and-greet starts in ten minutes.
Walk Alex through it. Help him acclimatize. [clicks tongue]
-That guy. Uh, we're-- Yep. -Yep. Okay.
So, do you have any burning questions about Frederick Douglass High
I can answer in the next two minutes?
Uh, that for starters.
Yeah, the superintendent passed a bill allowing corporate sponsorship
of cafeterias so that schools could save on the cost of lunches. [chuckles]
Jeez.
My old school didn't have this type of structure.
You know, the bell telling you when and where to go,
having to raise your hand to get permission to take a leak.
Public school is only a few rules away from the Marines.
[laughing] Yeah. That's funny.
So, why did you leave Montessori?
I had a bit of a rough patch last year. You know, some issues, so--
I feel your pain, junior class buddy.
So, who do you hang with?
Uh, I don't.
Oh. The lone wolf.
[chuckles]
You said something earlier about your work?
Oh, no. N-- It was nothing. [laughs]
I thought you were someone else.
Um, I do some social work on Friday nights.
Social work?
When in doubt, the truth gets people to bug off every time.
Yeah. Yeah, it's for dead people. I help them pass on to the next realm.
Uh-- [laughs]
That's really cool. I'm actually into psychic mediums too.
-Oh, yeah? -Yeah. What are the odds?
That backfired.
[Alex] So, uh, are you in any of these clubs?
Maybe in another lifetime.
At my old school, I had a Stephen King book club.
Oh, uh-huh.
But you know, if I'm forced to be here, which I am,
I've decided I want the most public school experience ever known to man.
[laughs] Wow. You're quite the glass half-full guy.
I mean, if you don't embrace the absurdities in life, right?
It's unlivable.
Mmm.
Ooh, prom. I've seen that in the movies.
[laughs]
Uh, I gotta run.
Oh. Okay, uh--
I-I'd love to talk to you more about the paranormal stuff.
[sighs] Lone wolf, Alex.
-"Lone" being the key adjective there. -Right. [chuckles]
Yeah. See you.
[howls]
Yeah.
Mmm. That's not good.
All right. Listen up, people.
We got a few cheerleaders here who want to do a special presentation just for you.
And action!
Let's go. [claps]
Hi, Cougars! I'm Capri Donahue, and this is--
Taylor.
Taylor, Bree, Piper and Todd.
And we're here to tell all the gym classes about cheer tryouts next week.
Here's a little skit we prepared. Hope you enjoy!
Hi! Are you new here?
Yes, I'm a freshman.
-[gasps] -[Taylor] And I've always dreamed of being
a cheerleader, but I'm so intimidated by it.
Isn't it just for shallow, hot girls?
I'm so glad you asked. And the answer is, that's offensive.
Cheerleaders aren't just pretty people who are happy all the time.
We face the same challenges. Just like you.
Really? Even you, the head cheerleader?
-[Capri] Yes, even me. -Yeah.
But cheer allows us to be the change that we wanna see.
[Bree] We support female empowerment, just like Beyoncé.
When one of us falls-- [gasps]
-The sisterhood is there to catch us. -Jesus.
Next week, I'll be there.
[whispering] Piper, at the end.
But cheer keeps the world moving.
Because when something gets us down--
-[Piper] Cheer-- -Lifts us back up. [giggling]
[dance music playing]
[crowd cheering, applauding]
Let's hear it, Cougars!
[cheerleaders] Tryouts next week, show us what you can do.
[Bree] Tryouts next week!
-[Taylor] Now, Piper! -"Now," what?
Next week? I'll be there.
-Shit. -[Bree and Capri] Whoo!
-[Bree] Let's go, Cougars! -[Taylor] Whoo!
My dad said I can only invite 50 people, but I was, like,
"Come on, the DJ tent holds at least a hundo."
Ugh! Can we get a corporate sponsor from…
[electricity crackles]
…the electric company or something? This is ridiculous.
Give me my clothes.
Why would I take your clothes? Not planning on attending a funeral.
[laughing]
I have no problem walking up to Principal Morgan's office in my towel
to discuss his zero tolerance bullying policy.
Oh, my God! You're totally gaslighting me right now.
You're the one who bullied me in front of the entire class this morning.
You called me an ass.
Technically, I called your actual ass an ass.
Maybe you'll understand that more when we get to the anatomy section of bio lab.
[laughs, clears throat]
[laughs]
It was just a joke. No need to go crying to the principal, freak show.
-[screams, gasps] -[water splashes]
Ow! My ass.
-Capri! -Are you okay?
I'm fine. Just-- [sighs] I slipped.
[electricity crackling]
[whimpers]
[crackling fades]
[police radio chatter]
[officer] Miss Harper, thank you so much for giving us your statement.
We'll be in touch if we have any follow-up questions.
Miss Harper?
Uh-- Yeah, yes. [chuckles] Okay.
Okay.
All right, ladies.
[sniffs] Go home, get some rest.
Remember, we have grief counselors available.
Seeing a dead person is a very traumatic experience
which none of us are equipped for.
[laughs]
[Darby coughing]
[whispers] Sorry.
Something in the throat. [clears throat]
-[birds chirping] -[dog barking in distance]
Hey.
[Darby] Hey. [chuckles]
[groans, sighs]
Yeah. She was a beauty.
I know you don't like talking about your mom.
And I'm not trying to push you.
I know Capri's death is probably a trigger. Right?
No. No, really. I'm-- I'm fine.
Honey.
I'm just tired.
So-- But thank you.
Night.
-[Dad] I love you. -Love you.
[sighs]
Wake up, bitch. Wake up!
Oh, goddamn it.
[gasps]
-[light switch clicks] -So it's true. You can see me.
[Darby] How did you even-- Uh--
Remember groundskeeper Gary?
-Uh-- -Yeah.
He told me all about your little "ability."
-[sighs] -Bring me back.
Darby!
Bring me back. Now!
Capri, I can't bring you back. I can only help you move on.
Move on?
No. Cheer tryouts are next week.
My Sweet Seventeen is coming up in a month.
I've planned it the whole year. It costs more than my sister's wedding.
[inhales sharply] Denial. It's the hardest stage.
Listen, I'm-- [sighs] …I'm really sorry you died.
I truly am. But you are dead,
and neither I, nor anyone else can bring you back.
[electricity crackling, whooshing]
[screams]
[Capri gasps]
Holy crap!
-Did I do that? -[sighs]
-Am I coming back to life? -No, dude, you're a form of energy.
So, with intense focus and practice,
or I guess just pure, unfiltered teenage rage,
Deados can manipulate things in the real world.
-"Deados?" -Yeah. Yeah, that's what I call your kind.
The in-betweeners like you.
Okay, but-but-but what about, um, Gary?
-I mean, he died our freshman year, right? -Yeah.
He's a Stayer. It means he chooses to be here.
He's waiting for his wife to die so they can pass on together.
Okay, cute. Um. Then, I will be a Stayer too.
Yeah. I don't wanna go to some… [scoffs] …creepy afterlife. No, thank you.
No, no. Capri, this is not where you're meant to be,
so it'll be very difficult for you to be at peace here.
Especially you, feeling like you're missing out on all that stupid shit
-you think is so important. -[gasps]
Oh, it might be stupid shit to you, freak show,
but this is the best year of my life.
Everyone thinks senior year is peak, but no.
Seniors have one foot out the door to college.
I am at the epicenter of the ultimate high school experience.
[sighing] I'm not going anywhere.
You literally will never be able to see yourself again.
You're dead.
So is all that shit you care about.
Cheer championships, homecoming, your birthday.
You can't experience it anymore.
[sighs]
[exhales deeply]
I'm sorry.
Look, I can deliver whatever message you want to whomever.
But once you make the decision to move on, you move on.
[Darby sighs]
Look, you can stay here tonight if you're freaked out.
But I'm going to sleep because, well, I'm alive,
and I have another day of living hell tomorrow.
I'm sorry you died.
[light switch clicks]
I'm Katlyn Kelley, reporting live from Frederick Douglass High School,
where yesterday, students witnessed the shocking and tragic death
of their popular classmate, head cheerleader,
Capricorn Donahue.
[sighs] I'm on TV, and I can't even enjoy it.
Grieving students have been visiting this memorial
for the beloved cheerleader.
Could you tell us a little about what made Capri so special?
[sighs] She was an amazing person and such a great friend.
And I'm just gonna miss her so much.
I've literally never seen you before in my life.
Capri was planning a big Sweet Seventeen birthday for next month.
Can you tell us more about that?
[sobbing, sniffling] Yeah, she was so excited about the party.
She put everything she had into planning it.
Oh, guys! I'm still here-- [screams]
Is there anything else you would like our viewers to know about Capri?
Just that she was the glue that bonded together our sisterhood.
She was actually a Scorpio.
Also, follow us on Instagram. Thank you.
A young spark of life, gone in a flash. A cheer heard no more.
Are you sure you wanna do this? Maybe you should stay at home.
[Katlyn] Signing off.
Nah, it's just putting off the inevitable.
[Capri] That's the photo you brought to my shrine?
Taylor, you look adorable, and my eyes are literally closed!
[screams]
-[gasps] -[Bree] Did you guys see that?
[sighs]
[Cougars laughing]
[Taylor] That practice killed me. Capri would have been so proud.
[Bree] Nationals, here we come! [cheers]
[giggles] So, where are we going tonight?
[chatters indistinctly]
I just can't believe that she's gone.
I had my nose modeled after hers.
I heard she shot 50 feet in the air, and her pants flew off.
Do you think James Harris will rejoin jazz band now?
[student 5] "Dead Cheerleader" is a killer name for a band.
[student 6] Alive Capricorn Donahue was an "it girl," but dead Capri Donahue?
Oh, she's a legend, honey.
[Gary] Hey, here she is-- Hey, Darby. My buddy, Mel.
-Hi. -He passed last night.
-Uh, heart attack. -Yeah.
-Oh. Sorry. -You know. So if you don't mind,
he's gonna sit and watch our lunchtime chess games
-until you can help him move on. -Yeah, sure.
My wife, Deb, uh, she passed 17 years ago,
and you know, that's a long time.
I was in a lot better shape then, right?
Uh, what if she's not
-attracted to me anymore? -Maybe.
Well, I like to think that when you pass on,
you pass as your optimal self.
And I'm pretty sure that has nothing to do with your superficial exterior.
Oh, my optimal self?
-Yeah. -I like that.
-[Gary laughs] -[laughs] Okay.
-Well, we'll talk soon. -Way to be, Darby. Thank you.
-She is good! -I told you, huh?
[Darby] Oh, no.
Oh, thank God.
-Hola! Oh! -Oh! Jeez-- [scoffs]
-God, you scared the shit out of me. -[laughing] Oh. Sorry.
Are you okay?
Yeah, fine. I--
It's just someone I'm trying to avoid. [chuckles]
Oh. Got a little stalker? [laughs]
[inhales sharply] Potentially.
Oh, you're serious.
-Oh, my bad. Okay. Uh… -[chuckles]
You wanna talk about it?
Well, the frustrating thing is, is I don't think anyone would understand.
Mmm. I get that.
Don't have to explain anything to me, I'm just making sure you're okay.
Thanks.
-Um-- -So, what's up?
So, you were there with the cheerleader yesterday?
That's pretty intense.
[sighs] Yeah. [screams]
Whoo! Sorry, Alex. Too much caffeine.
Uh, sorry. Uh, I-- I gotta go but I'll s-- Thanks for the--
Just thanks.
-I need to talk to you. -[Alex] Okay.
I don't work at school, Capri.
What do you mean, "Work"? I'm not asking you to do my taxes.
-[sighs] -[bell rings]
[sighs]
[door closes]
Okay, what do you want?
I have decided that I do, in fact, want to move on.
It's incredibly boring being here and being invisible.
Also, apparently, I'm stuck in this outfit.
If I knew I was gonna die, I would've worn way more accessories.
Smart decision. Come see me Friday night.
Whoa! I haven't told you when I wanna move on.
Okay, I don't have time for this.
It'll be next month. After my Sweet Seventeen.
No. No, just go to your funeral. Yeah, everyone will be crying
and talking about how awesome you were. You'll love it.
Ew, no. I hate funerals, they're mad depressing.
I want the party. Which is where you come in.
You're gonna make sure the party still happens.
[scoffs]
I think that curling iron incident fried your last remaining brain cell.
I-- [gasps]
[exhales sharply]
Game on.
Ideally, you'll do this voluntarily.
But I've been practicing the whole manipulation of objects thing all morning.
So, I can make life very weird for you if it comes down to it.
-Psycho. -[scoffs]
[Lyman] I just wanted to let you know.
-Sorry I'm late. -[Lyman] That's okay, Darby.
[door closes]
As I was saying, James will not be in today.
For obvious reasons.
Bree, Taylor, Piper, my condolences. I know you girls were very close.
She really would've wanted us to be here today.
To remember her with everyone else.
That's true. I mean, they're no good to me crying in private.
[Lyman] All right. Let's get started. If you uncover the tray in front of you,
you'll find today's project.
-Ugh. -[biology student 2] Gross!
-Cool! -I'm reporting this to PETA.
I'm sorry, buddy.
Um, Darby, I wanted to see if you wouldn't mind
dropping off James's lab homework for him until he's back.
Oh. Uh, I don't really think that'd be approp--
-What? Say yes! -Yes, of course.
[Taylor] Oh, my God.
Capri's Sweet Seventeen promo video has over, like, 200,000 views.
-Really? -Yeah. They played it on the news.
-[party music plays] -It's so tragic that it's canceled.
Darby!
Don't ignore me.
Hey! I'm serious.
[electricity crackles, whizzes]
-Hmm. -[whispering] What are you doing? Stop.
-Help me get the party back on. -[whispering] No.
[whizzing]
-[whispering] Stop it. -Darby, is everything okay?
Yes, fine.
[electricity crackling]
-[grunts] -[gasps, screams]
-[biology student] Ew. Gross! -[Taylor] Oh, my God.
-What the f-- -[Darby] Oh-- I'm--
Sorry, my hand slipped. [laughs]
Haven't you done enough?
Excuse me. I don't feel well.
-[whispers] My God. -What just happened?
-Okay, class. Carry on. -Oh, my God.
What a freak.
-Clearly, she needs therapy. -Hmm.
What the hell are you doing to me?
-Just say you'll help me. -No.
[grunting]
What are you-- No!
[shoes squeaking]
No! No, no, no, no!
-[shouting] No! No, no! -[electricity whizzing]
-Sorry, I just really have to pee. -Mm-hmm.
-[electricity crackling] -[screams]
-No. What are you-- No! -It's just till the party's back on.
No way in hell! [grunting]
[screams]
-Stop. No. Capri! -[crackling intensifies]
Stop, stop!
No, no, no, no!
-[toilet flushes] -[Darby screams]
-A public toilet? -[scoffs]
I could've contracted any number of deadly diseases.
This is criminal bullying.
I think it's criminally good haunting.
Fine. You know what? Have at it.
I'll just keep ignoring you until I'm committed to a psych ward.
Or you could help me and be free in a month.
All I want is to go to this party. To see my friends having fun,
and to dance next to James one last time.
And then I'll move on.
-I promise. -And in what worldly dimension
do you think I can throw your dream party?
Me, the girl you call, "Freak show"?
In a world where I make you popular enough to do it.
[laughs]
[Capri] I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.
Being popular is an illusion.
Like a magic trick, or cryptocurrency.
You just have to believe in it. And then they will too.
First, you'll need to get close to Taylor and Bree,
so you can convince them to throw the party in my honor.
[scoffs] Yeah, that sounds attainable,
since they hate me with the passion of a thousand suns.
Excuse me. You won't be able to avoid them once you join cheer.
[laughing] Never.
[sighs]
Aw, look at us little nuggets in our cheesy matching uniforms.
Hey, get outta there.
I forgot we were even friends that summer.
Then you were all weird when we got back to school.
Oh, sorry. I was just going through a little thing called my mom died.
Your mom was so boss.
[chuckles]
Top of the pyramid at the '93 Nationals.
Did she come to you too after she died?
Get out.
Okay! Touchy subject.
But don't you think that she'd want you to be like she was in that picture?
Happy? Smiling? Do you even have teeth?
[scoffs] You're really blowing your pitch, Capri.
Well, I just don't understand
why you wouldn't wanna be, at the very least, normal.
Well, I'm not normal.
I've spent my childhood being a travel agent for dead people.
-Okay, and? We all have baggage. [laughs] -[scoffs]
Yeah, like getting zits and wondering if anyone will ask you to prom.
Deep.
You're the most judgmental and self-righteous person I've ever met.
What? No, I'm not.
Okay, then prove it. If you really don't care what people think about you,
then what does it matter if you hang out with the popular crew for a month
or less, even?
[sighs]
[inhales sharply] So, as soon as the party is back on, do you promise to leave?
Do I have your word you'll leave after the party?
Okay, yes. I promise. Cross my heart and hope to die. Again.
[sighs]
Okay, fine.
Yes!
The first order of business is a full head-to-toe glow up.
Hey.
-What's wrong with this? -[sighs] It's a lot of black, Darbs.
No.
My God. Burn that.
What's all this stuff?
My mom's old clothes from the '90s.
Retro.
I dig it!
[laughing] Darby, stop it.
[machine whirring]
Ooh, it's a two-piece suit. Oh, it's a suit. [gasping]
Darby.
Stay still.
Nope. No.
Congratulations.
You actually look kind of hot! You need to post a selfie.
To what?
[sighs] What are you, an alien? Or Amish or something?
-I found out to be popular… -Here.
…you need to post a lot of selfies.
Hold it. Find your angles.
-You've never taken-- -What is-- What's my angle?
-Some selfies should be silly. -[shutter clicks]
And you should test out every filter until your eyes lose all perspective,
and you pick one where it looks like you have jaundice.
[shutter clicking]
Using too many emojis comes off as desperate and thirsty.
But three carefully curated emojis, radiates sophistication and class.
Eggplants? Penises. Kitty cats? Vaginas.
And a peach is a butt.
Well that certainly changes the meaning of that text I sent my grandma this morning.
Just keep the captions simple.
[sighs]
Two hours and 88 photos later,
I had six usable selfies posted to my feed.
If you don't embarrass yourself on Instagram,
maybe I'll train you on TikTok.
Don't-- Don't do that.
[bicycle bell rings]
[Capri] I can imagine James trying to block the party,
thinking the girls are only doing it for followers.
-So you'll have to get him on board, okay? -I'll try.
Here it is. Aw, the tree house of love.
That was our favorite make-out spot.
Barf.
Oh, Mrs. Harris? Hi, it's Darby. I brought James's homework.
Oh, go right on up. He hasn't left his room all day.
[James] ♪ Now everybody knows ♪
♪ And darling, it's you and me Until we're gray and old ♪
♪ Just say you won't let go ♪
Darby?
Jamesy. [sighs]
Hi, Jamesy-- I mean, James. [stammering] I brought your homework.
You look different.
Yeah, yeah. My cousin just started cosmetology school
-and needed a guinea pig. [laughs] -Nice. Natural liar.
-[softly] I love you. -[sighs] Sorry, it's such a mess in here.
-Just let me clean it up. -Oh. No worries.
-[sighs] -He listens to oldies.
Isn't it adorable?
[exhales sharply] I'm really sorry about Capri.
I know she loved you a lot.
Didn't you hate each other?
Hmm. Love-hate. We were close when we were younger.
And we still talk, sometimes. Uh, talked, sometimes.
Oh. Right, I didn't realize that.
[sighs] It's so weird, like I-- I know she's gone,
but it still feels like she's here with me.
I mean, she was the most kind, selfless person I've ever met.
Really?
[sighs] I mean, really. Yeah. I totally get that.
And when I didn't make it past the blinds on The Voice…
[sighs] …I felt like such a loser.
But when I came back to school, Capri helped me realize
that failures are just life's way of making you stronger.
It's true. I was so supportive.
[laughs] I'm sorry. I'm rambling.
No. It's okay, really. I get it. My mom died when I was seven.
Yeah, I remember. Can't even imagine how hard that's gotta be.
Yeah. It's just so disorienting,
like, one day your whole world is flipped upside down
and it feels like you're on Mars or something,
and you don't know how to feel normal again.
Yeah.
That's totally how it feels.
Uh, I should go.
Look, thank you for bringing that over.
It was nice to actually talk to someone.
[ghost] Hey, Darby.
Death has a funny way of teaching you what's most important.
Like finally making that apology.
Encouraging your child to embrace who they are.
And the one that always gets me, that final, "I love you."
The Deados never asked for anything petty or superficial…
[sighs] …until now.
[Dad] Whoa!
Good morning, sweetheart.
Morning. Don't make it a thing, okay?
It's just a temporary experiment for social studies.
-It's just-- -What?
You look like your mom.
Okay, this is weird. What is happening?
Who is that? I want her butt.
Damn, smoke show. You got steez.
Who is that? Is that Darby Harper?
-What is everyone looking at? -You, dummy.
Shoulders back, head up, walk.
Who's the new chick?
[student 8 sighs] That's head-to-toe vintage. Who's that girl?
I don't know. But she's serving '90s realness, and I'm so here for it.
Don't scowl, smile a little. [softly] They like you. Let them in.
Okay, don't smile. Um, try pouty. Cute pouty.
[grunts] How?
-[student 1] God, she is fire. -[student 2] Super fresh.
[students chattering in background]
Is she wearing a couch cover?
Hey. [chuckles]
Darby? You look different.
I mean a good different. [laughs]
I mean, you always look great.
-You wanna have a seat? -Yeah.
-No. -[electricity crackling]
-[Darby chuckling] Um-- -Darby, no. Absolutely not.
[Taylor] Is she trying to sit with the new guy?
-No. Uh, no. -[crackling continues]
-[Darby] Stupid chair. Come on. -No.
[grunts] You know, I'll just stand. Yeah, it's better for digestion.
Hey, hey, new girl. You wanna come, uh, eat lunch with us?
That's Todd. He's the cutest guy in the cheer squad.
-You should definitely sit with us. -No.
Oh.
No, what?
No, I forgot that I have something to get from my locker.
No time for lunch. [chuckles]
-[sighs] -Darby! Hey, Darby!
-[whispering] What? -[whispering] What are you doing?
Go sit at Todd's table. Don't be such a weirdo.
Well, I am a weirdo.
My anonymity was my only means of survival in this place.
-I'm done. -No. We have a deal.
[scoffs] Oh, right. Your brilliant plan.
[Darby] Hey.
-What are you doing? -You wanna know what I was thinking?
Even though you hate me, I could sit at your table at lunch,
join cheer and we could all become besties. [laughs]
Have you gone fully mental?
What? You don't wanna be my friend
just 'cause I got a new haircut and some lip gloss?
Oh, my God.
There, I tried.
Your new style is hideous.
[gasps] You wouldn't know real fashion if it bit you on the tit.
I thought it was cool.
-I like her socks. -Guys.
-[snaps] -What the hell was that back there?
You have zero chill. You need to get your shit together.
I'm crawling back into my hermit shell tomorrow.
[sighs] Why are you such a defeatist?
-[Gary] Oh, Darby, what are you doing? -[grunts]
-You've just left your king wide open. -Defeatist is right.
This is like watching The Queen's Gambit. Except she sucks.
-[Gary] Hey, hey. Darby, girl. -Burn.
Why don't you just do the cheer thing? You know you want to.
It'll be good, you'll meet new friends. Ones with pulses.
Yeah. And if you follow my plan,
then you'll earn their respect organically.
And if I refuse?
-[Gary groans] -[laughs]
-Oh-- Oh, my-- -[Gary, Mel] Whoa!
Bitch, was that a frog? What the hell!
I've been saving him since science class. I am not giving up on my party, Darby.
-There's more where that came from. -[bell rings]
Damn it! Fine! Fine.
But this is a hostage situation,
and that is on your karma report card, not mine.
Cheer tryouts are less than a week away.
We're training every day during lunch and after school. Hey!
Your days of chess and donuts, over.
Donuts. I will miss them.
Hmm.
Four.
You gonna do anything?
Excuse me?
Eight. Nine.
Three. Five. Seven. Again.
Everything okay?
Yeah, just need a sec to focus.
I haven't done this since, well, you know, since my mom.
-Hey, fresh homework. -Thanks.
No problem.
[cheering]
[whirring]
[students chattering]
-What's up? Did you hurt your ankle? -[sighs]
It's fine. It's nothing, I just-- I don't like the beach.
You're gonna kill it at tryouts tomorrow.
You're the best tumbler I've ever seen, and I've been to Nationals, twice.
Why did you quit when we were younger?
You're honestly a natural, just like she was.
I don't wanna talk about my mother.
Why?
You know, I used to wish I had your mom instead of mine.
At least your mom waited till she was dead to ignore you.
Sometimes I think she might have stayed.
But if she did, then why-- [sighs] Forget it.
If she had stayed, then why what?
I don't wanna talk about my mom, okay?
Okay.
Do you wanna scream about her instead?
What?
[shouting] I said, do you want to scream about her?
Cut it out.
No. I think you'll feel a lot better if you just scream a little bit!
-[screams] -Stop.
Come on!
Stop.
[shouting] Are we gonna make the team tomorrow, Darby Harper?
Yes.
[shouting] I said, are we gonna make the team tomorrow?
Yes! Yes! Okay?
-Yes! -Yes!
Okay! That's what I'm talking about!
[screaming]
[shouting] I'm gonna make the team!
[screaming]
You're gonna make the team!
All right. For those of you who don't know who I am, I am Coach Paula.
You gotta be kidding me.
And we have some very exciting news.
So, without further ado,
-he's your mascot and mine… -[cheering]
…Douglas The Donut!
-Look at this guy. -Come on.
-[cheering] -Oh, my God! So cute. Go, Dougie!
[mouthing words] Oh, wow.
[auditionees chanting] Time to rumble, time to go nuts!
-Time to cheer for the Fighting Donuts! -[Paula] She's pretty good.
[cheering]
-[Paula] Oh. -[Becky] Oh, nice try.
Let me see it.
Show 'em your moneymaker, Darbs.
[Capri] Yay!
Suck on that, Taylor!
-[Paula] Yeah. -So good.
[applauding]
-You slayed that shit. -[laughs]
I'm so proud of you. How does it feel?
I actually forgot how empowering it feels. It's such a high.
I feel like I have lockjaw from forcing a smile for an hour.
[donut] Great job out there. [grunts]
[laughing] No way.
You-- You know the donut?
Yeah, I never would've thought cheering was your thing.
-You're full of surprises. -I'm full of surprises?
You weren't kidding when you said you were gonna find the most ridiculous activity.
Well, it counts as a gym class credit. I get a free dozen donuts every game.
And, come on, the outfit is sexy as hell.
-[laughs] -No, no, no, no.
You cannot be friends with the donut. This is social suicide.
Uh, so-- Uh, update on your stalker situation?
-It's ongoing. -Ooh. Sorry to hear that.
Step away from the donut.
I'll talk to you later. Okay, Alex?
Okay.
I mean, that new cheer girl's just sick on the mat. And cute.
She's not new. That's Darby Harper. And she's, like, a witch or something.
Yeah. She basically killed Capri.
[Paula] Thank you for your patience.
If I call out your name, welcome to the Fighting Donuts cheer team.
You made it.
[squeals] Yes! I knew you could do it. God, I haven't felt this alive since--
-Well, since I was alive. -[chuckles]
Darby Harper, is that a smile on your face?
Congrats on making the team, Darbs. See you on the field.
-Say thanks, weirdo. -Thanks, weirdo, you. [chuckles]
-How does he know I made the team? -Probably posted it to IG. Check.
Okay! Look at you with 756 followers.
Congrats, you're actually becoming a real person.
Now, repost it to your story. And, um, humble brag.
Pretend like you don't actually care.
Uh, I don't really care.
Perfect! God, you're so good at that.
I actually did care.
I'd finally started making it in the living world,
but it turns out there are a lot of rules to being popular.
Don't brag, only humble brag.
It's okay to be moody, but never sad. Sad is cringe.
Don't try too hard.
Be woke, but not a woke fisher.
Don't be thirsty. Do listen. Do smile. Speak clearly. Don't be angry.
Be a winner. Don't worry. Dress to impress. Don't overgram.
I prefer the Deados any day.
Sure, they're dead, but at least they don't play games.
[inhales deeply, sighs]
The admiration and envy hang so heavily in the air,
even a dead girl can smell its sweet musk.
[laughing] Hey, hey, Darby!
-Ah! Ah, ah. -[Todd] I'll check you later.
-[softly] But I have chess with Gary. -Mm-mmm. Not today, you don't.
[sighs]
-[Cougars chattering, laughing] -Sit.
[cheering] Full set. Unbelievable.
-Yeah. Cool. -[inhales deeply]
Say hi. Jesus Christ, I feel like a ventriloquist.
-Hi. -[scoffs]
-[jock 1] Hey, Todd. -[laughs, grunts]
[jock 1] Nice catch, bro.
[Todd] Darby. You lit that mat on fire. Seriously.
-Welcome to the team. -[laughing] Thanks.
-Hey, Darby. Looking good. -Oh, thanks.
Aw! Look at you all flush with endorphins.
This is probably the first time you've experienced popularity, huh?
Own it, girl. Also, smile? Yeah, you have spinach in your teeth.
-What? -Phase one of my plan is complete.
You've joined the team and gained influence.
Now on to phase two.
That's phase two.
Oh, my God.
I swore I had a tampon in here.
She did. I put it in your locker. [whispering] You're welcome.
I wore white jeans. Do you have anything?
Still trans.
Go on, this is your cue.
-[Bree] Sorry, boo. I don't have any. -[Taylor] Oh, my God. Come on.
Here, Taylor.
Thanks.
[Capri] Retreat. Retreat! Act natural. Come on.
[Darby] Yeah.
[clears throat]
So, I guess we have to practice the stunt.
You can come over tomorrow after school.
Yeah, sounds good.
I will see you then. I guess.
[cheering, laughing]
Why the sudden desire to join cheer, Darby Harper?
Whoa. What's happening?
-She thinks you're an undercover narc. -Like 21 Jump Street.
-She's clean. -Nice.
Uh-- Say something. Um, something good.
Well, honestly, you guys,
that recruitment skit that you guys did in gym class really spoke to me.
[exhales sharply] I wrote that.
After I said, "Let's write a script." [sighs]
And I just thought, "Wow." [chuckles] I mean, "I wish I had such cool friends."
[laughs] Yeah, we're definitely an upgrade from that weird donut kid.
-Yeah. Are you dating the donut? -Squash that. Now.
[stammers] No. No, I don't really know him.
Ooh, I wonder how James is doing.
Bitch, I will drown you in a toilet bowl
if you think for one second about dating Jamesy.
I think he's coming back to school soon.
It's gonna be so sad seeing him without Capri.
-I still can't believe that she's gone. -Here's your in.
Um, well, isn't Capri's birthday coming up?
Do you guys have, I don't know, anything special planned for it?
Well, she had this big Coachella-themed party planned.
-Yes, Bree. Keep going. -It's canceled, obviously.
-[sighs] -Well, you know, what would be so cool--
Okay, easy. [softly] Don't force it.
Actually, you know what, never mind. It's none of my business.
I wasn't friends with her. I'm gonna go.
Wait, wait. What were you gonna say?
[chuckles] Well, wouldn't it be great
if you guys did something to celebrate her,
and remember all of her amazing qualities? Like--
Being named after pants.
Right. But, you know--
There were so many things about Capri, right? Like--
I mean, she was, uh, pretty and--
Oh! Bossy. Yeah, she was bossy.
Well, anyway. Wouldn't it be cool if you guys threw
Capri's Sweet Seventeen party in her honor?
A birthday party for our dead best friend?
[laughs] That seems kind of inappropriate.
-Bad form. -[Bree] Yeah. Super weird.
Uh, followers! Instagram followers.
Well, what if it was to support accidental electrocution awareness?
-[laughs] What? -[Taylor] Huh?
I mean, I'm sure it'd make the news and draw national attention.
Genius.
"Hashtag Capri's Sweet Seventeen."
A celebration of her life, thrown by her three best friends. [laughs]
Yeah, this could make you guys legit influencers.
[exhales deeply]
Influencers for accidental electrocution awareness, of course.
-Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course. -Electrical.
-Yes! -[grunts]
-[Darby grunts] Oh, I-- Hi. Sorry. -Uh. Hi. Hi.
Jelly legs. Eat a banana.
-I'm gonna stretch. -Bye.
Oops.
We did it.
Ugh. Honestly, I think the party will be even more iconic now that I'm dead.
Ooh, you know, we should do something special
at midnight to symbolize you passing on.
Ooh! Like, uh, releasing a white dove or something?
-Oh. -[Capri] That's fresh.
Yeah, that's cool. I actually haven't done that for anyone yet.
You know,
I used to think you were such a stuck-up bitch,
but you're actually kinda cool.
[chuckles]
You thought I was a stuck-up bitch?
Oh, please.
You acted like you were so edgy and cool,
and everyone else was basic and below you or something.
[chuckles] What?
Of course, that was before I knew you were dealing with all this…
dead people shit.
Must be very isolating for you.
Capri Donahue, did you just express empathy for another person?
[chuckles] Well, I didn't really think about it before I died
but being popular can be isolating too.
Isn't that an oxymoron?
No.
Imagine everyone has these high expectations of you,
and you don't wanna disappoint them,
so you just keep all your imperfections bottled up inside.
You have imperfections?
Well, not my looks or personality in general, but…
my mom used to say that I wasn't smart and that I'd only get by on my looks.
[chuckles] I've never told anyone that.
Capri, I think you're smart.
Like, maybe even dangerously so.
Thanks.
I just don't think your looks are anything to write home about.
-[scoffs] -[phone buzzes, beeps]
How are the numbers on the bikini selfie?
-[Darby sighs] -Did you Photoshop this?
-No. -I can teach you how to Facetune.
-Okay. It's fine. -[Darby] Why?
Ooh! "Slay, Queen!
You are the hottest girl to ever walk the halls of FDHS."
[chuckles]
-[player grunts] -[whistle blows]
[cheering]
-[crowd whistling] -[person] Whoo!
[Taylor] Let's go Cougars! Let's go, ladies!
-Let's go! Come on! -[Todd] Yeah!
-Whoo! -[cheering]
[cheerleaders] Whoo!
Yeah!
[shouts]
[crowd] Darby! Darby! Darby! Darby! Darby!
-[students chattering] -[student] Yo!
Whoo!
[cheering]
I am accepted, admired, maybe even adored.
People who couldn't pick me out of a lineup a month ago
now comment with things like--
Fire emoji, fire emoji.
Crown emoji.
And--
Dying! Heart eye emoji.
And even--
-Eggplant emoji. -Water spray emoji.
Any press is good press.
Every like, every comment, every regram is a rush of dopamine.
I feel a certain sense of power.
And on game nights, I feel extra alive.
-Ladies and gentlemen! -["Whoomp. There it is" playing]
It's time to make the donut!
Donut! Donut! Donut!
Here we go! Here we go!
[imitates explosion]
[crowd cheering]
[crowd] Go, Darby! Go, Darby! Go, Darby! Go, Darby!
["Whoomp! There it is" continues]
Here we go!
[Darby] Wait, no!
[Alex laughing]
-Dude. [chuckles] -[Alex] Hello.
[laughs]
-You got some moves, huh? -Yeah, I do.
[Alex chuckles]
-[Darby chuckles] Yeah. -[Alex] Yeah.
[both laughing]
Oh, my God. I haven't laughed this hard in li--
I've never laughed this hard. [chuckles] My cheeks hurt.
Wait, wait, your cheeks hurt?
At least the padded icing cushioned your fall.
[Alex laughing] Okay.
Look, Darby, there's something I really wanted to tell you.
[Todd] Hey, Darby. You coming to the lake?
-[Darby] Oh, yeah. -[Todd] Oh, awesome.
-[Darby chuckles] -[person] Awesome.
-Sorry. -[Alex] Don't be. [chuckles]
I'm dying to go take this stupid thing off anyway.
But, uh, maybe we could go get a coffee next week?
How about Thursday, right after school?
-Go to Indie Roasters? It's downtown. -[Darby chuckles]
-I'll be there. -Okay.
Cool, cool. Very cool.
[Darby chuckles]
[Todd] Okay, let's take another one.
-[Bree] Okay, ready? Smile. -[Todd] Let's go.
You know you don't have to talk to the mascot after the game ends, right?
Oh, yeah. He was just seeing if I wanted to grab a coffee next week.
Could you imagine?
Douglas The Donut takes you to Starbucks.
-[Piper] What a scandal. -[Taylor gasps]
Oh, my God!
My uncle said we can use his house for the party.
-[Todd] No way. -Oh, my God.
You know that giant glass house on the lake?
Wait, that's your uncle's house?
Yeah. Her uncle invented that crypto banking app, Money Grab.
[sighs] It's an app that's like a bank
but instead of going to an actual bank, you go to the app and like grab money.
No, Bree, it's an actual bank.
It's just, like, the money that isn't real.
Anyway, it'll be sick for the party.
Tell 'em how big it is.
The chandelier has a chandelier.
-Yeah. -Guys, let's go to the lake.
Let's pop some tops, okay? Right?
Oh, Darby can't hang out on Friday nights, remember?
-Her daddy wants her home early. -Yeah.
[Bree] But the head of the homecoming committee will be there.
We can kiss her ass for a queen nomination.
It's gonna suck.
-You should come. -Uh--
Don't you have work tonight?
Isn't that your whole thing?
-Please? -Come on, Harper.
Break the rules.
-[Todd] Come on, Harper. -[Piper] Do it.
-[Taylor] It'll be fun. -Okay. Just give me a sec.
-I'm gonna call my dad, okay? -[Todd] Awesome.
-Whoo-hoo! Nice. -Gotta get permission.
-[Todd] Ooh! -[Taylor] Okay.
Hey, can you please tell the Deados something came up
-and I can't make it tonight? -What?
You're really gonna blow off the Deados just so you can drink hard seltzer
that literally tastes like Strawberry Shortcake's butt crack?
Come on. Please?
I have literally never taken a Friday off work before.
We just won the game.
I don't feel like hanging with dead people tonight.
No offense.
Okay, well, I don't feel like hanging out with dead people either.
Then come with us.
So I can hide in the bushes like Michael Myers
-and watch you guys have fun? -[car horn honks]
-No, thank you. -[horn honks]
-Come on, Harper! -[Bree] Come on!
[Darby] Coming!
Did you hear that they're using Taylor's uncle's mansion for the party?
Great news, right?
-Yay. -[cheering]
[Todd] There you are!
-Whoo-hoo-hoo! -[Taylor] Let's go.
-[Bree] Party time! All right. -[Todd] Let's go!
I'll go back to being a mole person after the party
but until then, fooling all the normies is actually kind of satisfying. [chuckles]
Shoulders back, head up.
Although, I won't deny the influencing has become slightly intoxicating.
I mean, I had single-handedly started a fashion trend.
Me. The invisible girl.
The girl no one even realized existed.
[cheering, laughing]
[jock] Hey, Darbs.
Are you stoked for the game on Friday?
[Capri] "Darbs"?
I'll be more stoked if you guys can score a touchdown this time.
-[gasp, chuckle] -[Todd] Oh, oh.
[camera shutter clicks]
Okay, the tent is arriving Saturday morning.
DJ Linky Dinky Dog will create a collaborative playlist on Spotify
so we can all add our favorite songs.
-Uh, Capri's favorite songs. -[Taylor] Got it.
Uh, Todd is bringing the kegs, and where are we on the dove?
Oh, my mom ordered us one on Amazon.
She cried when I told her your plan to release it at midnight.
Mmm, it's so poetic. Genius really.
-[clears throat] -[Darby] Well,
I feel like I can't take credit for that.
I think it's something Capri would've come up with.
[scoffs] Uh, no. She really wasn't that deep.
-What the f-- -[Darby] Oh, look--
Look the-- the editor sent me the final cut of the promo.
-[Taylor gasps] Ooh. -I'm gonna post it tonight.
[promo narrator] This Saturday, Capri Donahue's Coachella-themed R.I.P.
Rest In Party.
A party so epic they'll hear it in the afterlife.
Hashtag electrocution awareness week.
Follow us on Insta.
Party on.
Iconic. [chuckles]
Well, I have chills.
It's literally the best memorial party promo I have ever seen.
Right?
Oh, my God.
-Oh, my God! -What? What?
They just posted homecoming queen nominations.
Congrats, girl!
-[screams] -[Darby, Capri] What?
-Uh, no, no, no. That can't be right. -Oh, my God. You'll totally win.
Especially because your party is gonna be the coolest of all time.
Oh, is it your party now? Is that what we're calling it?
[chuckles] My party? No, guys, it's not my party.
It's Capri's party.
-Totally. Of course. -Yeah, right.
Not really.
But I mean, it's kind of become your party.
It was your idea, and you planned the whole thing.
No. My idea, Taylor.
-I planned the whole thing! -Shh!
Sure, sure. But it's all for Capri, remember?
Just tell them I'm here. I'm so sick of being invisible!
[electricity crackles]
[stammers]
-[Darby] Uh-- -Um, ow.
-It was a bee. -Really?
-It was a bee. -Did you just do that?
-[Darby] Yeah. -You wanna go?
[Darby] No, I got it. It was buzzing around.
-[chuckles] -[Taylor] Okay.
You guys should go to the locker room. I'm gonna warm up.
Warm up? We just finished practice.
You don't make it to Nationals by losing all your warmth, Bree.
You're weird.
-But so right. -Yeah, I am right.
Whatever. Okay. Bye.
-Bye. [chuckles] -[Bree] Goodbye.
Bye.
-You're my hero. -Oh.
[Darby] Are you trying to blow my cover?
This party's supposed to be my moment.
You've hijacked it! It's all about you now!
What? No, it's not.
Capri, there's literally gonna be a 40-foot projection
of your face in the night sky.
Like a friggin' Bat-Signal.
Yeah, which the homecoming committee will probably give you credit for.
I'm not really gonna be homecoming queen. It's probably just a joke,
and they're gonna pour pig's blood on me or something.
Ew.
Look, I know it sucks for you not to be here
but there's really no need to be jealous--
No, I'm not jealous. Don't flatter yourself.
I'm sleeping at my house this week.
Good luck picking out a homecoming dress without me to do it for you.
[whooshing]
[sighs]
[Darby] What is it, Gary?
It's my buddy, Mel.
He came to see you Friday night, you weren't there,
and he's-- he's in a bad way, Darby.
You know. He says he doesn't feel right. It's unnatural.
He's really ready to move on.
Okay, well, I'm not the border patrol for the afterlife.
He can go on his own.
'Course he can, but-but--
See, he needs you to get a-- a message to his kid first.
He wants to tell him that he's sorry he didn't accept him as a gay.
He's not a gay. He's gay.
Yes, my son, Allen. He's gay.
And I love him anyway and his husband,
and I think they're gonna be great parents.
Like he said.
[sighs]
Gosh, I'm sorry I wasn't there, Mel.
-[student] Great practice, Darbs. -Yeah,
you too, dude. [chuckles]
Look. [clears throat]
Come see me Friday night. I'll be there. I'll help you, okay?
-Okay. -[Darby] Promise.
-Thank you, Darby. -Thank you, Darby.
-Hey, Dad. -Hey.
-Take it you're not staying for dinner? -Uh, no. I gotta go to James's.
Oh.
Honey, listen, I am glad that you're making friends this year.
But is everything okay?
I mean… [sighs] …you just don't seem like yourself anymore.
God, Dad. I mean, you pressure me to get a social life,
and then you give me crap when I have one?
-Make up your mind. -Okay.
[chuckles] That's valid.
But, honey, I'm just checking in on you.
Well, you don't have to worry about me, 'kay?
I'm fine, really.
[chuckles] Same old Darby.
Oh, and can I get a studio lighting kit for my birthday?
The lamps in my room are a little, like, warm and cozy. It's gross.
-Mmm. -[Darby] You know?
Anyway, bye.
Bye.
Yep, same old Darby.
[sighs]
[bike bell ringing]
Did you know that octopus have three brains?
Um, wrong.
-What do you mean? -I'm not-- I mean, wrong!
They have nine brains.
Come on, man. The test is next week.
-Oh. -[chuckles]
Hey, uh, look what I found the other day.
[Darby] Mmm?
-[chuckles] -Look at this. Our, uh… [laughs]
…sixth-grade field trip to the planetarium.
-Oh, wow. -[chuckles]
Harper and Harris.
[James chuckles] I thought you were so cool.
What? Seriously?
Yeah, you were so different from everyone else.
[sighs] It's going to be so weird to go back to school without Capri tomorrow.
[Darby sighs]
Did you hear about that idiotic Sweet Seventeen party for her?
Uh, yeah, yeah. Think I heard someone talking about that.
Good to know Taylor, Bree and Piper are so desperate for attention
that they're willing to whore out Capri's memory to get it.
But isn't it for a good cause?
Accidental electrocution awareness?
Which one of those morons came up with that?
[chuckles]
-Oh, c-cool tree house. -Yeah.
Wanna come check it out?
Whoa.
I haven't been up here since…
[Darby] I didn't wanna leave my room for months after my mom died.
I just…
I felt like if I just returned to regular life
and ignored the fact that she wasn't there anymore,
it'd be like living a lie or something.
But it does get easier. It does.
And I know you can do this.
Thanks.
You really get it.
Why's he looking at me like that?
[whispers] What's going on?
Darby, will you come to school with me tomorrow?
U-Uh, yeah. Yeah, I'll be there.
No, I-- I mean, can I-- can I pick you up?
It's gonna be tough for me to face without Capri there
and, you know, I could really use someone by my side.
Sure, sure. I don't see why not. [chuckles]
Thanks, Darby.
-[both chuckle] -[Darby] Oh.
[sniffs] Your hair smells so good.
Thanks, it's shampoo. I gotta go.
It's getting late.
-All right. -Yeah.
-See you tomorrow? -Sure.
-Be careful on the way down. -I'll just leap down.
-Need help? -No, I got it.
[crash]
[sighs] It's just some environmentally conscious carpooling. [chuckles]
You know, Capri will probably thank me for being there to support him.
[toilet flushes]
[Capri] I will drown you in a toilet bowl
if you think for one second about dating Jamesy.
[Dad] Gonna introduce me to your boyfriend?
What? Who told you that?
No, no. That's just my biology partner.
Okay. Well, boyfriend, biology partner, whatever you kids call it.
Time to face the music.
Okay, well, see you in bio.
Hang on. Will you walk with me?
Oh, no.
Sure, James.
-[student 1] Oh, ho ho! -[student 2] James Harris is back.
How'd Darby Harper manage to pull him
before the bell even rang on his first day back?
[student 3] Are they, like, together now?
James.
[jock] Well, that's gotta be the world's fastest rebound.
James. [chuckles] Welcome back, brother.
Nothing to see here, folks. Just me and James Harris.
Just me and the boy Blake Shelton called,
"A talented guy I should have turned my chair for."
Who, I guess, has a crush on me now? [breathes shakily]
Nothing out of the ordinary going on here. [chuckles]
[student 4] They're holding hands.
Capri Donahue's gonna drown me in a toilet bowl.
[student 5] What?
So, are you and James, like, a thing now?
'Cause everyone is saying that you made out in the hallway this morning.
No. [sighs] No, we didn't.
His hand just brushed mine for a few seconds.
He's having a hard time being back without Capri.
Oh, yes, poor James. The wounded bird.
Yeah, I would be careful.
He's so codependent and definitely on the rebound.
And morally, it's gross.
Totally. Capri's not even cold in her grave yet.
You guys, it was just a one-time ride to school.
-[car horn honks] -[James] Darby.
You, uh-- You want a ride home?
[Darby] No! No, thanks.
I'm just gonna get my cardio in, you know? [chuckles]
All right, well, come by later.
Wrote a song for you.
-There's a song. -Oh, my God.
Gotta run. You know?
[Taylor] She's running in that?
She doesn't live close.
[sighs] It's Thursday.
Only two more days till the party.
[sighs]
I can lay low until…
[gasps] Shit, it's Thursday.
[sighs]
[Mel] I mean, I used to have crates of 12-inch vinyl in my den.
And you could read the liner notes, you could touch 'em, you could feel 'em.
But… [stammers] …the music cloud.
-Where is it? I don't get it. -Ha!
Oh, my God! Can you guys stop?
I cannot believe I'm spending my junior year
listening to some dead boomers
talking about newspapers and typewriters and network television.
Then why don't you just make up with Darby then?
I mean, so what?
She's the Homeroom Queen and you're not. Big deal.
That's, uh, Homecoming Queen.
-Thank you. -[Gary sighs] Listen, Capri,
you should be very proud of yourself.
You were able to pry Darby out of her shell when no one else could.
Yeah, well, now she's taking the attention and credit for my party!
-Yeah. -[sighs]
My sister-in-law, Rose, sang at my funeral.
All anybody could talk about was how great Rose sounded.
What a great voice Rose had.
At my funeral! And you know what they said about me?
"He's looked better."
-[gasps] The audacity! -[Gary] Guys, guys, guys.
Who cares?
You're dead.
You're throwing a temper tantrum
about a party in a dimension that you no longer exist in.
Do you know how crazy that is?
Well, then what's the point?
What's my purpose?
Well, you're gonna find that out on the other side.
I mean, listen, I have a reason to stick around, you know?
I wanna be with Linda.
But you, you're so young and whip-smart.
You got your whole death in front of you.
Why would you wanna stay here and be invisible?
You just have to get the heck out of here.
Thanks, Gary.
Okay.
She has a lot of electricity.
[smacks lips] You know that's how she died, right?
[bell rings]
[Darby] Hey, Alex.
[sighs] Look, I'm so sorry about missing our coffee date.
It's okay.
Uh, you're busy.
I hear you're dating James Harris now.
Oh, no. No, I'm not dating James.
You could have just texted me.
I was waiting like 20 minutes.
[Darby] Uh, look, I gotta go but I really do--
Talk to you later. Right.
[Darby] Hey, Capri. H-How was your Dad's?
Not great.
My mom turned my bedroom into her personal yoga studio.
-[Darby] Mmm. -[Capri] So--
Okay, well, I-I kind of wanna talk to you.
[Capri] Yeah, sure.
-[sighs] -Okay, I'm glad you're here.
-There's something I need to tell you. -Me too.
I wanted to apologize about overreacting about the party.
I've decided that I am proud of your-- our Homecoming nomination.
I just had to remind myself
that I'm the Michelangelo behind your David, you know?
Great. Well, I have something to tell you,
but before you freak out, I want you to let me explain.
-It's about me and-- -[jock] Good to have you back.
[gasps] James. Oh, he's at school today.
Look at him, he's so cute. Look, he's glowing.
[Darby chuckles] Okay, Capri. Listen to me, okay?
There's been a misunderstanding. You'll think it's funny--
-There you are. [chuckles, grunts] -[Darby stammers]
-I've been looking all over for you. -[Darby chuckles]
This too much?
What the hell is going on?
[Darby] Uh, okay. How am I gonna do this?
All right, James.
I-I can't stop thinking about you since the other night at my place.
-Did you hook up with James? -No.
I know we both felt something, and yesterday when you held my hand--
-You what? -[Darby] No, no.
No, I didn't hold your hand, you held mine.
-You slut! -[electricity crackles]
-[grunts] -I felt this spark and--
[Darby pants, yawns]
-Just really ti-- I'm exhausted. Yeah. -Are you okay?
[Darby] Whoo!
I know I'm still grieving Capri. But it just--
-It just felt good to finally feel… -Stop.
…a moment of happiness again, and it's been so long, and I--
I think she'd want that.
No, I really don't think she would.
[sighs]
[Darby] Uh, sorry, James.
I gotta get to class. Have a good day.
Oh, my God. How many times do I have to tell you?
Nothing happened.
You won't admit it.
-Not even now. -Admit what?
Admit that you love my life so much that you want to be me.
I am nothing like you, okay?
You don't have to worry about me and James.
Oh, my God. What is this? The Young and the Restless?
I'm outta here.
[Capri] I'm not worried about James. He's just trauma-bonding.
You don't think in a million years he would actually like you, do you?
[scoffs] Well, that's a little harsh.
You're not even a real person!
I created you! I made you!
I dressed you up and told you how to act so you could be popular.
But deep down,
you know you're just a freak that sees dead people.
Maybe that's why your mom didn't wanna come and see you.
Hey, ladies. It's my big bon voyage.
E-Everybody out! All of you!
[Mel] Not optimum.
It's not my fault your boyfriend finds me a refreshing change of pace
from a talking push-up bra who's wasted her entire life on superficial bullshit.
I built you.
I can just as easily tear you down.
Don't even think of going to my party tomorrow night.
Well, you forgot one vital difference between us, babe.
I'm alive.
[scoffs] I'm not spooked by some jealous dead girl stomping her feet.
I'll go to that party if I damn well please.
Hell, I'm the one who planned the thing!
[chuckles]
-[thud] -[electricity crackles]
Okay, I am a little spooked by a jealous dead girl stomping her feet.
And I am definitely not going anywhere near that party tomorrow.
Hey, kid. [chuckles]
What? School on Saturday? [chuckles]
Word on the street is, uh,
you had a little freak out last night, and I thought I'd check on you.
I've been looking for you.
I'm sorry, but I--
I can't talk to you anymore, Gary.
I just wanna be normal.
Oh, Darby, don't you think you're normal?
Uh…
To clarify, I wanna be
the-girl-who-doesn't-talk-to-dead-people version of normal.
How about that?
Well, honey, you know, but that's-- that's kind of what makes you, you.
Have you maybe talked to Capri about this?
Maybe a friend your age could help--
I'm not talking to Capri.
She's not my friend. She never was.
She just used me like a pawn.
Well, yeah, I guess…
I guess, uh, that's one way of looking at it.
But-- You know, but from a different point of view,
maybe she's the one who opened you up to a whole new world of possibilities.
She didn't do anything for me.
She's just another loser Stayer who can't move on.
Oh.
Well, I'm sorry you feel that way, Darby.
[sighs]
[Kelley] After losing their daughter, Capricorn, just a month ago,
more tragedy strikes the Donahue residence.
Police are asking anyone with knowledge of the arson attack to come forward.
[siren wailing]
[Dad] Hey, sweetie. Dinner's ready.
-[doorbell rings] -[gasps]
[sighs] Uh, I'll get it.
James?
Can you take a drive with me, please?
I'm freaking out right now. This is gonna sound crazy,
but I feel like Capri is communicating with me.
Like today, her picture fell off my dresser,
and, I don't know, the TV turned on without me even touching it,
and it was playing the news story about the party tonight! And I--
-I-I swear it happened. -Oh, I'm sure it did.
It's been a rough day.
This grief stuff comes in waves.
Mmm.
Also, I'm sorry, Darby.
I don't think I'm ready to be in a relationship.
Oh, thank God that you told me that.
Because I-I was thinking something else was happening.
But I hope we can still be friends.
Yeah. Yeah, of course, James.
I-I appreciate your honesty.
My heart will go on.
[sighs]
I can't believe we fake dated, and I for real got broken up with.
[pop music playing]
[Darby] This is not good. This is very not good.
James, I thought you were protesting this.
Taylor, Piper and Bree are using Capri's death to up their social status.
-It's sick, remember? -I don't care about them!
Okay? I wanna say goodbye to Capri.
Well, well, if it isn't the happy couple.
I'm here for Capri.
Not to promote myself under the guise of some bogus awareness campaign.
Sure it's not to ruin another party with an acoustic guitar?
[scoffs] You mean the bogus awareness campaign your new girlfriend came up with?
What?
[stammers] This was your idea?
-Not that she bothered to dress up. -[Taylor] Mm-mmm.
The theme's Coachella, not Stagecoach.
-No, I-I mean, not-- not technically. -[scoffs]
Look, I can explain in the car, but we should go. Now.
Darby, it's not cool that the two of you came together.
Capri would be so pissed.
-[Piper] Oh. -[Taylor] Oh. Oh, my God. No.
-No. No! -[clamoring]
Those were supposed to go off at midnight!
-Go. Go. Go. -[Taylor screams]
Really, you're gonna go full Poltergeist on a keg party?
-Wow, Capri. -[Taylor screams]
Ah, this must be the electrocution awareness part of the festivities.
[both chuckle]
[Darby] Alex? [chuckles]
What are you doing here?
You know, I'm never gonna pass on a free drink
and a chance to see the party's latest Coachella fashion trends. [chuckles]
Sorry, I'm sure you don't wanna be seen talking to the weirdo donut kid.
You're cool now.
[chuckles]
Have a good night, Darby.
Wait. No, no.
I mean, I'm a weirdo too. [chuckles]
Or, at least, I used to be.
-[crowd] Chug! Chug! Chug! -["Boss Bitch" playing]
[cheering, chattering]
♪ I'm clumsy Made friends with the floor ♪
♪ Two for one You know a bitch buy four ♪
♪ And two left feet You know I always drop ♪
♪ First thing a girl did was a bop ♪
[shouting, cheering]
Hey, what's up, Darbs?
-You all good? -Yeah, have you seen James?
Uh, yeah, yeah. I think, uh, I think he went upstairs.
But look, James looked kinda bummed, Darbs.
["Boss Bitch" continues]
♪ I don't wanna row, row, row the boat ♪
James.
Hey, J-James.
She's here. She's really here.
Who's here? I don't see anyone.
Look, this is just a stupid game, okay? It doesn't work.
♪ I'm a bitch and a boss I'ma shine like gloss ♪
♪ I'm a bitch, I'm a boss I'm a bitch and a boss ♪
Hi, bitch.
[James] It's okay. Don't be scared. It's her.
She's trying to tell me something.
I know she's here.
[whooshing]
I think it's about you.
It would be a lot easier if you just came clean
and told everyone what a freak you are.
[whooshing]
["Boss Bitch" continues]
-[person 1] Did you see that? -[person 2] Is that an Ouija board?
Who is doing that? Stop!
[electricity crackling]
Shit.
-[person 1] Nearly hit me, man. -[person 2] Freaky.
[person 3] Follow it.
Go, go, go.
[person 4] Hey, cut the music, man.
Is someone flying a freaking drone in my uncle's house?
[person 5] Dude, did they hire a magician?
-[Taylor] James, what is going on? -[music stops]
[Capri] I'd hold off on preparing that Homecoming Queen speech.
I don't think you're gonna test too well in the polls after this.
[kisses, giggles]
[person 5] Who cut the music, man?
[person] Oh, my God.
-Uh-- -Is anyone else seeing this too?
Is this a drama club thing or something?
[freshman] I'm scared. Get me out of here.
[crowd] C-A-P-R-I.
Capri? Capri!
-Oh, my God! -[Bree] This is freaky.
[electricity crackles]
Okay, cut the shit. You're scaring people.
-I told you not to come here. -Darby, you can see her?
-[person] What's he talking about? -I--
-Who? -Huh?
Okay, fine.
You win. What do you want?
Surprise me.
[Bree] What is even happening?
-[Todd] No, where's she-- -[Taylor] Darby!
-No, no, no. Oh, she's-- she's up there. -Okay.
-[Taylor] That's happening. -Hey, guys! Guess what?
I'm a freak of nature who can see dead people.
[crowd clamoring]
I'm only popular because the ghost of Capri Donahue molded me into her image.
[chuckles] I'm just a puppet!
Yeah, I'm loving this narrative. Keep going.
She told me what to wear and what to say and how to act
in order to make friends,
and it worked.
She instilled confidence in me when I had none.
I was just an insecure hater
who hid in the corner judging all of you for just being normal teenagers.
But, I mean, none of us are-- are normal, really.
We're all flawed and insecure and beautiful and ugly--
-You're not ugly. -Oh, you either.
I couldn't see that from inside my closed-minded shell.
Capri changed that.
Capri was special.
And I'm…
Wrap it up.
…just a freak show.
-[person 1] Boo! You suck! -[person 2] What a fake.
Hey, Ghost Cheerleader, can you, like, turn the music back on?
All right, posers.
-Put your mother freakin' hands up! Yeah! -[all cheer]
[pop music playing]
-[cheering] -Yeah!
[person] Cannonball!
[cheering]
[pop music fades, ends]
[blows]
[bell rings]
You'd think the ghost of a dead cheerleader crashing her own party
would result in total chaos.
But people like to find an explanation for the inexplicable.
No, I'm telling you, dude, someone laced the keg with Molly.
Brody told me.
But there were magnets attached to the bottom of the Ouija Board.
I saw 'em when it flew over my head.
And others seem to simply ignore what they cannot understand.
You missed an epic party, bro. You hear what happened?
Coop streaked the crowd and cannonballed into the pool.
[jock chuckles]
[Darby] In the span of a month,
-I'd gone from… -[person] It's her!
…invisible,
to queen bee,
to social poison.
[shutter clicks]
[person] She totally lost her shit.
[kitty katxox] "Oh, my God. That is all Facetune."
[Taylor] You pretend to see dead people. Hashtag cancel Darby Harper.
[Darby] The phrase, "I wouldn't be caught dead with you"
has never been more accurate.
[sighs] It's so weird to admit it now.
But you're my best--
My only friend.
Oh, come on. You don't wanna hurt Gary's feelings, now, do you?
[scoffs] You're still here?
Yeah.
After you left the party, I realized…
I shouldn't have forced you to become someone else
just so I could have a stupid party.
Sorry.
[inhales sharply] Yeah, it was a pretty stupid party.
[chuckles]
But, hey, at least I got a cool pet out of it.
-[dove cooing] -[gasps]
[Darby] I named it Capricorn.
God, I can't believe I acted like
some kind of pathetic attention-seeking haunter.
Flying around?
Scaring high schoolers? Ugh.
[sighs]
[Capri] And now James is a mess.
He sits in front of a Ouija Board all day and lays out cookies at night.
Like I'm Santa Claus or something.
Oh.
[Capri] Yeah.
Well, if it makes you feel any better,
I've totally blown it with the guy I actually do like.
Wait, what?
I never got coffee with the donut.
Donut?
The guy you called social suicide.
Oh, God.
Don't listen to me, or Taylor or Bree or Piper.
We're full of shit.
You're the one who should decide who and what you like.
I'm digging this woke Barbie vibe.
[chuckles] Thanks. She's new.
How are you feeling about moving on?
I'm… [sighs] …so ready.
I've already confronted my worst fear.
Being in the same outfit for more than a week.
[sighs]
Anyway,
I felt pretty terrible about what I said about your mom the other night.
And it made me realize how selfish I've been all these years.
So I did some asking around.
And--
[whooshing]
[Mom] Hi, Darby.
[Darby] You did stay.
-Yes. -But you never--
I never wanted to leave you.
[sighs]
I tried to move on. But…
I wanted to make sure that you'd be okay…
and open up your heart to people again.
[chuckles]
Living people.
[chuckles]
And you have.
You were my unfinished business, Darby.
[sobs]
[inhales sharply]
[seagulls calling]
[Capri] Do you believe in reincarnation?
I was pretty fortunate in this life,
so I figure in the next one, I'll level up and be…
-the next Meghan Markle or something. -[chuckles]
Promise you'll look after James and let him know that I moved on?
Yeah, I promise.
Thank you for forcibly
and, at times, somewhat violently
pushing me out of my cocoon.
You are definitely the coolest, most special-est person I've ever met.
Right back at you. Seriously.
Obviously.
[chuckles]
[sighs]
Bye, bitch.
[Darby] You know, I don't consider high school
to be so torturous anymore.
[James] Hey, Harper.
My fake boyfriend turned out to be a real friend.
-[Darby] Harris. -Yeah!
-Whoa! -[laughs]
And I stayed in cheer.
It makes me feel closer to a couple pretty important people.
[Gary] Hey, Darby.
Hey, Gary.
[Gary] Been a while.
Uh…
Listen, I-I wanna apologize for the way I behaved.
What are you talking about? You kidding me?
Come on. This-- This stuff can get pretty confusing, right?
-Yeah. -[chuckles]
Hey, by the way, you know.
They took Linda to a hospice. She doesn't have long.
Wow.
-Gary, that's fantastic news. [chuckles] -I know.
I know, I know, now we can finally blow this pop stand, and--
and be together again.
-[smacks lips] -Oh, shoot.
Um, I feel horrible about never delivering that message for Mel.
-Oh. -Do you know where his son lives?
That's okay, the, uh, the donut took care of that.
-The what? -The donut.
What do you--
-[Alex] Hey, Gary. Looking good. -[Gary] Thanks. [chuckles]
-See you. -[Alex] Take it easy, man.
[Darby] What?
Wait, you can see him too?
-Yeah. -Why didn't you tell me?
I tried.
My first day here I saw you talking to Gary.
But not something you just blurt out.
Then I tried to get you someplace private to tell you, and you didn't show up.
Right.
Well, but-- but how?
I was in a coma last year after a pretty bad car accident,
and when I woke up,
I became really good friends with the guy in the bed next to me,
only to realize he had died two days earlier.
Wow.
The head shrinker said it was a psychotic hallucination.
-My parents freaked out. -[scoffs]
Took me out of school.
I got so good at pretending not to see the dead
that the dead didn't even know I could see them.
You know, helping Mel cross over,
it was like, finally, this curse felt like it could be a gift.
Yeah, uh, wow.
Look, I just need a second.
I can't believe this.
I mean, I've never been able to talk to anyone about this.
Well, anyone that's living anyway, except you, but you're not really here.
You're wherever you are. [chuckles]
Who are you talk-- Oh.
Hi. [chuckles]
Wait, you-- you can see them too?
Yeah, sure. I see them,
and I see them.
And I see you,
Darby Harper.
[chuckles]
Well, I'm reopening my business and currently taking applications.
Well, I-I was an assistant manager at Jamba Juice.
Wow, impressive.
Reason for leaving?
Got committed to a psych ward for seeing dead people.
-You're hired. -It's a date.
[chuckles]
[Darby] Oh, G-- [chuckles]
[laughing]
That practice killed me.
[Todd] Yeah, it was brutal. [laughs]
I got a date with the donut.
Yeah, you do.
-Nice. -That's so sweet.
-[Todd] Yeah. -I love you.
[chuckles]
[sighs]
[Darby] Hey, what's that?
That is a light kit for your videos.
So you can get your glamour on.
Oh. [chuckles] Thanks, Dad. You're the best. But…
Uh, you can return it though.
-I'm not making those videos anymore. -Why not?
Mostly because social media makes us feel insecure about the way we look
for the sole purpose of selling us stuff we don't need. [chuckles]
Oh, now that is the Darby Harper that I know.
-[chuckles] -[Dad] So,
are you going out with your friends for dinner tonight?
Actually, I was thinking maybe we could order pizza and share stories.
[Mom chuckles]
[Darby] We should do that together.
[Dad] Mm-hmm. I don't know if I could.
[Darby] You could.
Oh, that was before we moved.
-Yeah. -That was the best.
The slide. We should have kept that.
[speaks indistinctly]
[sighs] Ah, that was so fun.
Wait, me too?
Hey. How are you?
I'm fine. How are you?
Get a room.
[chuckles]
如果要我選一句話放在年鑑上，那會是
「我是邊緣人，死人都愛我」
有看到那個飛起來的女孩嗎？
那就是我，達碧哈珀
我的成長過程一開始相當順利
那是我媽
我追隨了她的啦啦隊明星的腳步
當時我以為我很瞭解自己 知道自己想當怎樣的人
-直到一切變了調 -跟爸爸打招呼
達碧
我媽跟我在同一天過世
一、二…
雖然嚴格來說我從鬼門關回來
我再也不是原來的我
我變得哪裡不同了？別被我嚇壞了
我看得到死人
無所不在
原來死人
-或是我所謂的「死咖」 -不好意思
需要我的幫助
嘿
我就是在這個時候捨棄人間
決定展開我的副業
-為當地的鬼魂提供諮商服務 -哈囉
隨著時間過去 我發現不是每個死人都會逗留人間
那些有遺願的死人才會
所以我才會成為…
一個萬事通靈媒
好讓死咖不會被困在一個 永遠無法看到他們的世界
在我的協助下，這些鬼魂就能前往來世
實在是美事一樁
我的名聲在煉獄界傳開 我的課後兼差發展得很成功
你好嗎？
沒人付我薪水…
（上班時間） （只有每週五晚上）
但如果死人的感激之情有金錢價值
我早就成為傑夫貝佐斯了
《高校死對頭》
你以為見證死人不斷道別
會是我最沉重的負荷
但這只排行第二名
比起在高中過著生不如死的日子 還差得遠呢
你竟然覺得這種教育方式比在家自學要好
看看他們
女兒，我連叫妳出來吃晚餐都有問題了
我想不到其他方法讓妳有社交生活
我一週結交十個死人新朋友 還需要什麼社交生活？
我愛妳
我也愛你
祝妳努力有個美好的一天
-寶貝 -那不是卡普莉多納休嗎？
寶貝，真搞不懂妳們為何沒來往了
妳們以前很熟 或許妳們應該重新聯絡感情
糟了，我好不容易得到的笑容沒了
令我訝異的是在他們的人生發展時期
這段時間應該是自我探索
以及發現自我的獨特之處才對
他們卻選擇待在同溫層
得到他們渴望已久，有害身心的認同
妳媽同意妳這麼做真好
（未來的貴婦）
反正我原本就要動鼻中膈手術
我們想說順便把隆胸手術做一做
這就是我寧願跟死人混 也不要跟蠢蛋混的原因
（五年級留級生）
-好噁喔，抱歉 -老兄
滿福堡山有十字架爆發，老兄
我有提到上週五晚上跟一個女人 討論現代藝術的事嗎？
她自稱是芙烈達卡蘿的愛人，說說而已
在高中的生態系統裡
基本上我就是一隻躲在礁下的寄居蟹
我也只想這麼做
這是我的朋友蓋瑞，他是「滯留者」 滯留者就是死咖裡…
-天啊，不會吧 -就是說啊，她說：「超讚」
對了，妳的外套很不錯
謝了，用縫紉機和線就做出來了
卡普莉多納休
大騙子，你們聽過什麼叫可靠的人嗎？
天啊，甜蜜17歲宣傳影片
-我知道 -我愛死了
卡普莉就是一個心機女
我知道
早安，萊曼老師，妳今天好美
馬屁精
達碧，我都忘了妳在這裡上學
-寶貝 -小詹
我好想妳
假設你看不懂這種浮誇的求婚風格抱抱
那是卡普莉的男友
詹姆士哈里斯是愛玩團的阿宅
他一直被卡普莉完全無視，直到…
（盲選，詹姆士哈里斯） （《永恆承諾》）
我需要妳，但我從未表現出來
我想跟妳在一起，直到我們老去
雖然他沒通過盲選
但只要卡普莉選擇他
對他垂涎不已，他就算出名了
早安，所有準高二生
歡迎來到生物實驗室
在你們過得太爽前，我已經幫你們分好組
依照姓氏的字母排序
去跟那個人坐在一起吧
我連名單都不必看 從國小一年級開始，那個人總是…
-哈珀 -哈里斯
萊曼老師，我得跟詹姆士一組
因為我是他的輔助員，他有學習障礙
他有閱讀障礙
他沒有
我想詹姆士一定能自己解決，卡普莉
卡普莉知道我是唯一無法被討好的人
我是學校裡唯一不想成為她的女生
也是唯一一個識破她伎倆的人
嗨，寶貝
寶貝，我在不同組，我不想引戰
天啊，別說那種話
好，那我們就開始吧
不好意思，萊曼老師，我的桌上有顆屁股
不好意思，這顆頭剛吹好
我沒看到有人坐在這裡
怪咖女
抱歉，她有時候會有點太超過
根本就是有病
-我喜歡妳的帆布鞋 -謝謝
好
詹姆士是個好人
他其實是我六年級時第一個暗戀的對象
在我意識到戀愛關係只是社會結構前
人們創造這個結構 逃避我們都是無助孤單的事實
這次我贏定了
是真的
-看招 -不…不，主教進到e4
糟了，那真是…
沒錯，這樣就將軍了
所以這樣妳多欠我兩美元，孩子
拜託，你根本用不到錢
我知道，我知道 但我喜歡把錢放在琳達的錢包裡
她發現時會特別高興 就會去買好咖啡犒賞自己
好吧，那樣挺浪漫的
好了，快付錢
真希望你有行動支付
祝妳接下來有個美好的一天
謝謝你，蓋瑞，感謝你，我會努力的
（微笑甜甜圈）
妳好，妳就是看台上的那個女孩，對吧？
我在這裡不會跟客戶說話
週五晚上來我的辦公室，懂嗎？ 我在那裡工作
工作…
-糟了 -妳還好嗎？
妳一副看到鬼的樣子
剛好相反，我以為你是…
算了，我只是…我以前沒見過你
太好了，你們見到面了
-艾力克斯是新生，他需要… -天啊，拜託不要
一個高二學伴來帶他認識環境
他剛從蒙特梭利學校轉來
所以對一切還很陌生
好，我不知道自己是否能勝任
當然可以，妳是榮譽學生 而且你們都很像…
-他想的是「怪胎」 -抽象思考者
再過十分鐘課外活動見面會就要開始了
帶艾力克斯去晃晃，幫助他熟悉環境
-那傢伙，我們…好 -好
你對於法雷迪道格拉斯高中 有任何急著想問的事嗎？
我可以在這兩分鐘回答你
先從那個開始
（每天新鮮現做，總是賣光光）
教育局長通過一項法案 允許自助餐廳有企業贊助
這樣學校就能節省午餐成本
天啊
我以前的學校沒有這種架構
只有鐘聲告訴你時間和該去的地點
你得舉手獲得同意才能去上廁所
公立學校跟海軍陸戰隊也沒差多少嘛
是啊，真好笑
你為何離開蒙特梭利？
去年我發生一些事情，有些問題，所以…
我懂你的痛苦，高二學伴
妳跟誰一起混？
沒有人
妳是獨行俠
妳剛剛有說到工作的事
不，那沒什麼
我認錯人了
我在每週五晚上會做社會服務
社會服務？
不確定時，只要記得真相總是會把人嚇跑
對，沒錯，是為死人服務 我幫助他們通往後世
好酷喔，其實我也對靈媒感興趣
-真的嗎？ -對，真是太巧了
我被自己害了
妳有參加這些社團嗎？
或許在另一個世界有
我在以前的學校有辦史蒂芬金讀書會
是喔
但既然我被迫來這間學校了
我決定要感受最公立學校的體驗
你真是個樂觀開朗的人
總得要接納人生的荒謬之處，對吧？
不然待不下去
舞會耶，我在電影裡看過
我該走了
好…
我想繼續跟妳聊聊超自然的事
我可是獨行俠，艾力克斯
-這樣形容不是沒原因的 -也對
好，再見
知道了
那可不妙
好了，大家聽好
這裡有幾位啦啦隊員想為你們做特別表演
開始
加油
你好，美洲獅隊 我是卡普莉多納休，這位是…
泰勒
泰勒、布莉、派珀和陶德
我們要跟所有上體育課的人說 下週有啦啦隊選拔賽
我們準備了一小段表演，希望你們會喜歡
妳好，妳是新生嗎？
對，我是高一生
我一直夢想當個啦啦隊員
但我不敢嘗試
這不是給正妹跳的膚淺運動嗎？
我很高興妳這麼問 但答案是，這樣很沒禮貌
啦啦隊員不是一群 長得好看的人始終保持微笑
我們跟你們一樣面臨相同的挑戰
真的嗎？啦啦隊長，連妳也是嗎？
-沒錯，我也一樣 -對
但跳啦啦能讓我們成為心目中的人
我們支持女性賦權，就像碧昂絲
當有人掉下來…
-姊妹們會接住我們 -天啊
下週我會在現場
派珀，那是最後的台詞
但跳啦啦讓世界保持進步
因為當我們失意時…
-跳啦啦… -會讓我們打起精神
為我們喝采吧，美洲獅隊
在下週的選拔會讓我們看看你們的本事
下週的選拔會
-就是現在，派珀 -現在要幹嘛？
下週嗎？我會在現場
靠
加油，美洲獅隊
我爸說我只能邀請50個人，但我心想
「拜託，DJ帳篷至少能容納一百人」
我們可以跟電力公司談企業贊助嗎？
這實在太荒謬了
把衣服還給我
我幹嘛拿妳的衣服？我可沒打算參加葬禮
要我裹著毛巾走到摩根校長的辦公室
跟他討論零容忍霸凌政策也行
天啊，妳現在完全是在情緒操縱我
明明今早在全班面前霸凌我的人是妳
妳說我是屁股
嚴格來說，我指的就是妳的那顆屁股
或許等我們上到生物實驗室的解剖課程 妳會比較明白
開開玩笑而已 沒必要哭著去找校長，怪咖女
我的屁股
-卡普莉 -妳沒事吧？
我沒事，我只是滑倒了
哈珀小姐，非常感謝妳提供的證詞
如果還有問題，我們會再聯繫妳
哈珀小姐？
好，知道了，好
那就好
好了，同學們
回家好好休息吧
記住，我們有悲傷輔導員可諮詢
看到死人是很巨大的精神創傷
沒有人能夠接受
抱歉
有東西卡在喉嚨裡
嘿
是啊，她真是個美人
我知道妳不喜歡聊妳媽的事
我不會逼妳
我知道卡普莉的死 或許會讓妳想起往事，對吧？
不，不，我真的沒事
寶貝
我只是累了
所以…但謝謝你
晚安
-我愛妳 -愛你
醒來，賤人，快醒來
真該死
所以這是真的，妳看得到我
妳是怎麼…
還記得校管蓋瑞嗎？
沒錯，他跟我說了妳的「小能力」
讓我復活
達碧
讓我復活，快點
卡普莉，我無法讓妳復活 我只能幫助妳邁向下個階段
邁向下個階段？
不行，下週就是啦啦隊選拔賽了
我的甜蜜17歲再過一個月就要到了
我計劃了一整年 花的錢比我姊姊的婚禮還要多
否認是最困難的階段
聽好，我很遺憾妳過世了
我是說真的，但妳已經死了
無論是我還是其他人都無法讓妳復活
天啊
是我弄碎的嗎？
-我活過來了嗎？ -並沒有，妳只是一股能量
在極度專注和練習下
或單純只是未經修飾的青少年怒氣
死咖可以操控真實世界的事物
-「死咖」？ -對，沒錯，我就是這麼稱呼你們的
像妳這種中間人
好，那蓋瑞呢？
-他在我們高一時過世，對吧？ -對
他是滯留者，代表他自願待在這裡
他在等他老婆過世 這樣他們就能一起離開人間
好吧，真浪漫，那我也要當滯留者
沒錯，我才不想去什麼奇怪的後世 門都沒有
不，不，卡普莉，這地方不屬於妳
妳在這裡很難安息
特別是妳這種害怕錯過
自以為重要的蠢事的人
或許對妳來說是蠢事，怪咖女
但這是我這輩子最棒的一年
大家都以為高三才是巔峰期，錯了
高三生要擔心上大學的事
我正處於最狂高中體驗的中心
我哪裡都不會去
妳現在再也看不到自己了
妳已經死了
妳在乎的那些事也不復存在
啦啦冠軍、返校節、妳的生日
妳再也無法體驗了
我很遺憾
妳想跟誰傳遞訊息，我都能為妳辦到
但一旦妳決定邁向下個階段，就成定局了
如果妳還驚魂未定，妳今晚能待在這裡
但我要去睡覺了，因為我是活人
明天我還要繼續活在人間地獄
我很遺憾妳死了
（即時新聞） （啦啦隊員觸電身亡）
我是凱特琳凱利 在法雷迪道格拉斯高中為你現場連線
昨天這裡有學生目擊到一場 駭人的悲劇死亡事件
死者是校花兼啦啦隊長
卡普莉蔻多納休
我難得上電視，卻一點都高興不起來
悲傷的學生一直造訪這個紀念處
向心愛的啦啦隊員致哀
可以請妳說一下卡普莉的特別之處嗎？
她是一個優秀的人，也是很棒的朋友
我會非常想念她的
我這輩子從沒見過妳
卡普莉計劃在下個月 辦一場盛大的甜蜜17歲生日派對
可以請妳再多說一點嗎？
好，她很期待派對
她傾其全力在這場派對上
各位，我還在這裡…
妳們還想讓觀眾知道卡普莉別的事蹟嗎？
她維繫我們這群姊妹之間的情感
她其實是天蠍座
還有請追蹤我們的IG，感謝
（@布莉祖西斯瑞澤） （@別追蹤我017）
正在發光發熱的年輕生命就這樣突然消逝 再也聽不到她的啦啦叫聲
妳確定要這麼做嗎？或許妳該待在家
把鏡頭交還給棚內主播
算了，該來的躲不掉
妳竟然拿那張照片緬懷我？
泰勒，這是妳的美照 我的眼睛都閉起來了
妳們看到了嗎？
（歡迎參加卡普莉多納休的告別派對）
那場練習真是太讚了，卡普莉會很驕傲的
全國大賽，我們來了
我們今晚要去哪？
她竟然過世了
我的鼻子整型範本是她的鼻子
聽說她被彈飛50英尺，褲子還飛走
你覺得詹姆士哈里斯 現在會回到爵士樂團嗎？
團名取成「啦啦隊死人」應該很不賴
卡普莉蔻多納休生前是校園寵兒 但死後的卡普莉多納休呢？
她可是傳奇人物，寶貝
她來…達碧，這是我的朋友梅爾
-嗨 -他昨晚過世了
-心臟病發 -對
-真遺憾 -妳不介意的話
他想坐著看我們在午餐時間下棋
-直到妳能幫助他邁向下個階段 -沒問題
我的妻子黛比在17年前過世了
那是很久以前的事了
當時我還沒發福
要是她不再對我感興趣了
-那該怎麼辦？ -有可能
我想當你邁向下個階段時
一定會是最佳狀態的自己
我很確定那跟你的外表無關
我的最佳狀態的自己？
-沒錯 -我喜歡
-好，回頭再聊 -真棒，達碧，謝謝妳
-她人真好 -可不是嘛
糟了
謝天謝地
-妳好 -天啊…
-天啊，你嚇死我了 -抱歉
妳沒事吧？
沒事，我…
我只是在躲人
是跟蹤狂嗎？
應該算
原來妳是講真的
是我不好，好
妳想聊聊嗎？
可惜我覺得沒有人會懂
知道了
妳不必向我多做解釋 我只是想確定妳沒事
謝了
有什麼事嗎？
所以昨天那個啦啦隊員出事時 妳在現場？
真驚險
是啊
抱歉，艾力克斯，我攝取太多咖啡因了
抱歉，我該走了，但我…感謝你…
反正就是謝了
-我得跟妳聊聊 -好
我不會在學校裡工作，卡普莉
什麼叫「工作」？我又不是叫妳替我報稅
好，妳到底想幹嘛？
我決定好了，事實上，我想邁向下個階段
待在人間和成為隱形人超無聊的
還有顯然我被困在這套服裝裡
如果我知道自己會掛掉 我會戴上更多的首飾
明智的決定，週五晚上來找我
我還沒跟妳說我想邁向下個階段的時間
好，我現在沒空
就在下個月過完我的甜蜜17歲生日後
不，不，直接參加妳的葬禮不就好了 大家會哭著
談論妳人有多好，妳會喜歡的
不，我討厭葬禮，氣氛超沉重的
我想辦派對，所以我才會找妳
妳得讓派對繼續進行
捲髮棒意外大概 把妳的最後一塊腦細胞也燒壞了
我…
老娘沒在怕的
理想情況是妳自願做這件事
但我整個早上一直在練習操控物品
我能讓妳的生活發生超離奇的事喔
瘋子
我只是想讓你們知道
-抱歉，我遲到了 -沒關係，達碧
正如我所說，詹姆士今天請假
理由顯而易見
布莉、泰勒、派珀，請節哀 我知道妳們很親近
她一定也會希望我們今天來上課的
跟其他人一起緬懷她
沒錯，她們偷哭對我來說有個屁用
好了，我們開始吧 如果你們打開眼前的托盤
就會知道今天的實驗
好噁心
-好酷喔 -我要向善待動物組織舉報
抱歉，小子
達碧，我想知道妳是否會介意
在詹姆士回來上課前 把實驗作業拿去給他
我認為這樣不太…
-什麼？給我說好 -沒問題
天啊
卡普莉的甜蜜17歲宣傳影片 已經有超過二十萬次的點閱率了
-真的嗎？ -對，在新聞上有播出
派對取消實在好可惜
達碧
別無視我
我是認真的
妳在幹嘛？住手
-幫我繼續舉辦派對 -不要
-住手 -達碧，還好嗎？
沒事
-好噁心 -天啊
-搞什麼… -我…
抱歉，我一時手滑
妳難道還沒鬧夠嗎？
不好意思，我不太舒服
-天啊 -怎麼回事？
-好了，大家繼續做實驗 -天啊
真是個怪咖
有病就要醫啊
（女廁）
妳到底要對我做什麼？
-快說妳會幫我 -不要
妳在做什…不
不…不
抱歉，我真的很想上廁所
-不，妳在做什…不 -除非讓派對辦成
想都別想
住手，不，卡普莉
快住手，停下來
不…不
妳竟然在公廁做這種事
我有可能染上許多種致命疾病
這種霸凌簡直是犯罪
我覺得在妳身邊糾纏不休實在超讚的
好，妳高興就好
我要一直無視妳，直到我進精神病院
或是妳直接幫我就好 一個月後妳就自由了
我只是想要去這場派對，看我的朋友玩樂
在詹姆士旁邊跳最後一支舞
然後我就會邁向下個階段
-我保證 -妳到底是從哪個方面的世界
以為我會為妳辦夢想中的派對？
我可是那個被妳叫「怪咖女」的女生
在那個世界 我會讓妳的人氣爆棚到可以辦派對
讓我告訴你一個小祕密
有人氣是一種錯覺
就像魔術或是加密電子貨幣
你得深信不疑，其他人也就會跟著相信
首先，妳得接近泰勒和布莉
才能說服她們辦一場向我致敬的派對
最好是這種方法管用啦
她們超討厭我的
拜託，一旦妳加入啦啦隊還是會遇到她們
想都別想
快看我們小時候穿著俗氣啦啦隊服的樣子
別來這套
我都忘了我們那年夏天曾是朋友
等到我們返校時，妳完全變了
真是不好意思喔，當時我正經歷喪母之痛
妳媽超強的
1993年全國大賽的金字塔隊形頂尖人物
她過世後也有來找妳嗎？
給我滾
好啦，這是敏感話題
但妳不覺得她會希望 照片中的妳能繼承她嗎？
例如快樂地笑著？妳有牙齒嗎？
妳真的很不會求人，卡普莉
我只是不明白
為何妳不想當最基本的正常人
我不是正常人
我小時候都在為死人 代理穿梭陰陽界的服務
那又怎樣？我們都有包袱
是啊，例如長痘痘 以及在想會不會有人邀妳參加舞會
各種情況都有
妳是我見過最愛評頭論足和自以為是的人
什麼？我才不是那種人
好，那證明給我看 若妳真的不在乎別人對妳的看法
那妳跟一群受歡迎的小團體相處一個月
或是更短的時間又會怎樣？
所以只要繼續辦派對，妳保證會離開？
妳真的會答應我在派對辦完後離開？
沒錯，我答應妳，我保證會再度死透
那好吧
太好了
第一件事情就是從頭到尾打扮一下
嘿
-這樣穿不好嗎？ -太多黑色元素了，小達
不行
天啊，趕快拿去燒掉
這些是什麼？
我媽1990年代的舊衣服
復古風耶
我喜歡
達碧，住手
是兩件式西裝外套耶，那是西裝外套
達碧
別動
不行，不可以
恭喜妳
妳看起來很正，妳需要上傳一張自拍照
妳說要幹嘛？
妳是外星人還是艾美許人？
-我發現要受人歡迎… -給妳
就得上傳很多自拍照
拿著，找到適合妳的角度
-妳從來沒拍過… -我的角度是什麼？
有些自拍照應該很蠢
你必須測試每個濾鏡 直到你的眼睛完全失焦
然後選一張看起來像得了黃疸的照片
使用太多表情符號會顯得既絕望又飢渴
但有三個精心設計的表情符號 散發著高度的修養和格調
茄子就代表老二，小貓就代表陰道
桃子就是屁股
這樣今天早上我傳給奶奶的訊息 有完全不同的意義
（我好期待晚餐）
內容不必那麼花俏
在兩小時拍了88張照片後
我上傳六張能用的自拍照到限時動態
如果妳用IG已經不會出糗了
或許我可以教妳用抖音
先…先不要
我能想像詹姆士會試圖阻止派對
他會認為那群女生是為了追蹤者才這麼做
-妳要說服他參加，好嗎？ -我會努力
我們到了，愛的樹屋
那是我們最愛的親熱地點
我要吐了
哈里斯太太，妳好，我是達碧 我把詹姆士的作業帶來了
直接上樓吧，他一整天都沒離開過房間
現在大家都知道
親愛的，只有妳跟我，直到我們老去
快說妳不會放手
-達碧？ -小詹
你好，小詹…我是說詹姆士 我帶了你的作業來
妳看起來好不一樣
是啊，沒錯，我的表親開始上美容學校
-然後需要實驗對象 -不錯嘛，妳很會說謊
-我愛你 -抱歉，這裡亂糟糟的
-讓我收拾乾淨 -別擔心
他聽老歌
是不是很討人喜歡？
卡普莉的事我很遺憾
我知道她很愛你
妳們不是死對頭嗎？
又愛又恨，小時候我們很親近
有時候我們還會聊天，我是說她生前啦
好，我不知道這件事
真的好奇怪，雖然我知道她走了
但感覺她似乎還在我身邊
她是我見過最善良、無私的人
真的嗎？
我是說真的，我完全能理解
當我沒通過《美國好聲音》的盲選時…
我覺得自己就像魯蛇
但是當我回到學校，卡普莉讓我發現
失敗能讓人在生活中變得更堅強
沒錯，我很挺他
抱歉我一直在自言自語
不，沒關係，我能理解 我媽在我七歲時過世
我記得，我難以想像那有多難受
是啊，讓人很迷惘
就像某天你的整個世界被搞得天翻地覆
感覺就像來到火星還是什麼的
你不知道該如何回歸正常生活
是啊
就是那種感覺
我該走了
感謝妳把作業帶來給我
跟人談心的感覺真好
達碧
（啦啦隊員在更衣室觸電死亡）
死亡用一種奇特的方式教導你 什麼才是最重要的事
（深受愛戴的校管死於中暑）
終於表示歉意
鼓勵你的孩子接納自己
每次最讓我感動的 就是最後一句的「我愛你」
死咖從未要求過任何細微末節的事
直到現在
早安，女兒
早安，別太意外，好嗎？
我只是在做社會研究的短暫實驗
-只是… -怎麼了？
妳看起來就像妳媽
好，這種感覺好奇怪，怎麼回事？
那是誰？我想擁有她的翹臀
真要命，很辣喔，妳很有型
那是誰？達碧哈珀嗎？
-為何大家都在看我？ -妳這傻瓜
抬頭挺胸，繼續走
那個新小妞是誰？
全身上下都走復古風，那女生是誰？
不知道，但她穿出1990年代的風格 我很喜歡
表情別那麼嚴肅，笑一個 他們喜歡妳，給他們一點機會
好，別笑，試著噘嘴，可愛的噘嘴
怎麼做？
-天啊，她好正 -超有型
她穿的是沙發皮嗎？
嘿
達碧？妳看起來好不一樣
我這是稱讚的意思
妳一直都很美
-妳要坐下來嗎？ -好
不行
達碧，不行，絕對不行
她要跟那個新人坐在一起嗎？
不行，不行
-蠢椅子，快點 -不行
算了，我站著好了，這樣有助消化
新人，妳想跟我們一起吃午餐嗎？
那是陶德，他是啦啦隊裡最可愛的男生
-妳應該跟我們坐同一桌 -不
為什麼要說不？
不，我忘了我要去置物櫃拿東西
沒時間吃午餐
達碧，達碧
-幹嘛？ -妳在做什麼？
快去坐陶德那一桌，別當怪咖
我就是怪咖
我都是靠默默無聞才能在這種地方生存
-我受夠了 -不行，我們已經說好了
對，妳那了不起的計畫
嘿
-妳在幹嘛？ -妳們知道我在想什麼嗎？
雖然妳們討厭我 我還是能跟妳們一起吃午餐
加入啦啦隊和成為妳們的閨蜜
妳是精神不正常嗎？
難道妳不想當我的朋友嗎？
就因為我有了新髮型和擦唇蜜
天啊
好了，我盡力了
妳的新造型醜死了
妳一點都不懂什麼叫真正的時尚
我覺得挺酷的
-我喜歡她的襪子 -兩位
妳剛剛到底在幹嘛？
一點都不淡定，拜託給我振作一點
明天我要繼續當我的邊緣人
妳為何會這麼無可救藥？
達碧，妳在幹嘛？
-妳的國王完全沒守備 -的確無可救藥
這就像在看《后翼棄兵》 只是她棋藝很爛
-達碧，小妞 -說得好
妳幹嘛不去跳啦啦？妳明明就想跳
一定會很棒的，妳會認識新朋友 還是活著的
沒錯，如果妳照我的計畫走
就能自然而然贏得他們的尊重
如果我拒絕呢？
我的…
賤人，那是隻青蛙嗎？搞屁啊
我從科學課就一直留著牠 我不會放棄我的派對的，達碧
還會有更多隻青蛙的
可惡，好啦，好啦
但我是逼不得已的
昧著良心的人是妳，不是我
再過不到一週就是啦啦隊選拔會
我們每天都要在午餐時間 和放學後訓練，別走
妳下棋和吃甜甜圈的日子，正式結束
甜甜圈，我會想念它們的
四
妳難道什麼都不用做嗎？
妳說什麼？
八、九
三、五、七，再來一次
一切還好嗎？
沒事，只是需要時間集中精神
自從我媽過世後，我就沒這麼做過了
-新的作業 -謝了
不客氣
妳沒事吧？有扭到腳踝嗎？
沒事，那沒什麼，我只是…我不喜歡海灘
明天妳會在選拔會上大放異彩的
妳是我見過最會翻跟斗的人 而我參加過全國大賽兩次
妳小時候為何不跳啦啦了？
妳天生就是跳啦啦的料，跟她一樣
我不想聊我媽的事
為什麼？
我以前好希望有妳那樣的媽媽
至少妳媽會等到她過世後再無視妳
有時候我覺得她或許還待在人間
但如果是這樣，那為什麼…算了
如果她留在人間，然後怎樣？
我不想聊我媽的事，好嗎？
好
那妳想大聲呼叫她嗎？
什麼？
我說，妳想大聲呼叫她嗎？
不要這樣
我偏要，若妳喊出來的話會覺得比較好受
停下來
快點
別這樣
達碧哈珀，明天我們要入選啦啦隊嗎？
對
我說，明天我們要入選啦啦隊嗎？
對啦，對啦，這樣行嗎？
-讚啦 -讚啦
很好，這樣才像話
我要入選啦啦隊
妳要入選啦啦隊
好，跟不認識我的人介紹一下 我是寶拉教練
不會吧
我們有個振奮人心的消息
事不宜遲
它是你們跟我的吉祥物
甜甜圈道格拉斯
-快看這傢伙 -快點
天啊，好可愛，上啊，道格
哇
該來較量一下了，令人興奮的時刻到了
-是時候為加油甜甜圈歡呼 -她很不錯
只差一點
我看看
讓他們見識一下妳的本事，小達
看到沒，泰勒？
-很好 -好厲害
妳超威的
我好以妳為榮，感覺如何？
我都忘了這種感覺有多拉風，超爽的
我假笑了一小時，現在臉都僵掉了
妳剛剛表現得真不錯
不會吧
妳認識甜甜圈？
對，想不到妳喜歡跳啦啦
-妳真是充滿驚喜 -我充滿驚喜？
你說你要找最荒謬的活動是講真的
這能算進體育課學分 每當有比賽我就會有一打免費的甜甜圈
再說這個人偶裝超性感的
不…不
妳不能跟甜甜圈做朋友，會被當成邊緣人
所以跟蹤妳的人還在嗎？
-還在跟蹤我 -我很遺憾聽到這個消息
離甜甜圈遠一點
艾力克斯，晚點聊，好嗎？
好
那個新啦啦女孩挺不賴的嘛，而且很可愛
她才不是新人，那是達碧哈珀 她好像是女巫的樣子
是啊，她害死卡普莉
謝謝你們的耐心等候
被我叫到名字的人 歡迎加入加油甜甜圈啦啦隊
你們辦到了
讚啊，我就知道妳行的 天啊，我好久沒這麼充滿活力，自從…
自從我死掉之後
達碧哈珀，妳是在露出笑容嗎？
恭喜妳入選，小達，場上見
-快說謝謝，怪胎 -謝謝，怪胎，謝謝你
-他怎麼知道我入選？ -大概是有上傳到IG吧，快看
很好，快看妳有756位追蹤者
恭喜妳成為真正的人了
現在重新上傳貼文到妳的限時動態 謙虛地自誇一下
假裝妳根本不在乎
我是真的不在乎
非常好，天啊，妳真行
我其實很在乎
我終於在人間開始獲得成功
結果我發現變得大受歡迎有很多規則
別自誇，要謙虛地自誇
心情不好可以，但絕對不要傷心 傷心很尷尬
別刻意賣弄
思想要開放，但別裝模作樣
別渴望讚美，要傾聽 要微笑，清楚表達，別生氣
當個贏家，別擔心 穿著要吸引人，別在IG過度分享
無論如何我還是比較喜歡死咖
雖然他們掛了，但至少不會耍花招
（美洲獅隊）
空氣中瀰漫著一股濃濃的欽佩和嫉妒
就連一個掛掉的女孩都能聞得到這種芬芳
快過來，達碧
晚點再聊
-但我要和蓋瑞下棋 -今天不行
坐下來
整套耶，真不敢相信
好，沒問題
快打招呼啊，天啊，我好像腹語師
嗨
陶德
接得好，老兄
達碧，妳的表演超讚的，真心不騙
-歡迎加入啦啦隊 -謝謝
-達碧，妳好正 -謝謝
看妳高興成這副樣子
這大概是妳第一次體驗到受歡迎的感覺吧
欣然接受吧，小妞，笑容呢？ 妳的牙縫卡著波菜
-什麼？ -我的第一階段計畫已經完成
妳已經加入啦啦隊，獲得影響力
現在來到第二階段
那就是第二階段
天啊
我發誓我有把棉條放進去
沒錯，我把它放在妳的置物櫃，不必謝我
我可是穿白色牛仔褲，妳有棉條嗎？
我的姨媽還沒來
快去啊，該妳上場了
-抱歉，我沒棉條 -天啊，不會吧
給妳，泰勒
謝了
退場，退場，表現得自然點，快點
好
我們得練習特技表演
明天放學後妳可以來一趟
好，聽起來真棒
那就到時候見，應該吧
達碧哈珀，妳為何突然想加入啦啦隊？
這是怎樣？
-她以為妳是臥底警察 -跟《龍虎少年隊》一樣
-她沒問題 -很好
快說句話，說點好話
坦白說，妳們
妳們在體育課上表演的 徵求隊員短劇啟發了我
劇本是我寫的
是我先說：「我們來寫劇本的」
我好感動，想著若有這麼酷的朋友就好了
那當然，比起甜甜圈怪咖 我們的檔次更高
-是啊，妳在跟甜甜圈約會嗎？ -澄清一下
沒有，沒有，我跟他不熟
不知道詹姆士過得如何
賤人，妳敢肖想小詹的話
我會把妳浸在馬桶裡
他應該很快就會回到學校
看到他身邊少了卡普莉，一定很令人鼻酸
-真不敢相信她走了 -該妳說話了
卡普莉的生日不是快到了嗎？
妳們有什麼特別計畫嗎？
她原本計劃要辦 科切拉音樂節主題的大型派對
-很好，布莉，繼續說 -顯然被取消了
我覺得最酷的事是…
先別急，別那麼快
還是不說了，這不關我的事
我不是她的朋友，我要走了
慢著，慢著，妳要說什麼？
如果妳們幫她辦慶祝活動
然後緬懷她的所有美好特質
那樣不是很棒嗎？例如…
以褲子來命名
對，但就是…
卡普莉有很多特質，對吧？例如…
她很美，而且…
頤指氣使，對，她很愛頤指氣使
總之，如果妳們為卡普莉舉辦 向她致敬的甜蜜17歲派對
那樣不是很酷嗎？
為我們過世的閨蜜辦慶生派對？
這樣不太妥當吧
-超不妥的 -是啊，超怪的
追蹤者，IG追蹤者
如果是要讓大家關注 意外觸電身亡的問題呢？
-什麼？ -什麼？
那樣一定會上新聞，還會引起全國的注意
真聰明
「#卡普莉的甜蜜17歲」
一場歌頌她人生的活動 由她的三位閨蜜舉辦
這樣或許能讓妳們成為正統網紅
想當然是引起大家關注 觸電身亡議題的網紅
-是啊，那當然 -觸電
太好了
-抱歉 -嗨，嗨
妳腿軟了，吃根香蕉
-我要去拉筋 -再見
真糟糕
我們辦到了
坦白說，我覺得這場派對在我掛掉後 會變得更有代表性
我們應該在深夜做點特別的事
象徵妳邁向下個階段
例如放出一隻白鴿之類的嗎？
感覺很不錯
這想法挺酷的 我還沒為任何人做過這種事
其實
我以前一直以為妳很跩
但妳其實挺酷的
妳以為我很跩？
拜託
妳都一副高高在上的樣子
好像其他人都低妳一等
什麼？
想當然那是在我知道妳在處理這些…
死人事務前的事
妳一定覺得很孤單
卡普莉多納休 妳是在對另一個人展現同理心嗎？
我在生前從未想過這件事
但受歡迎也會讓人變得孤單
妳是在說反話嗎？
不是
試想大家都對你抱有高度的期望
你不想讓他們失望
所以你把自己的不完美都藏在心底
妳有不完美的地方？
不是指我的長相或個性，但…
我媽以前一直說我不聰明，只能靠臉吃飯
我從未跟任何人說過這件事
卡普莉，我覺得妳很聰明
或許還帶著一點危險性
謝了
我覺得妳的長相其實也還好而已
比基尼自拍照的按讚數有多少？
妳有修過照片嗎？
-沒有 -我可以教妳用修圖軟體
-好嗎？沒關係 -為什麼？
「超正的，女王
妳是走在法雷迪道格拉斯高中的走廊上 最正的小妞」
美洲獅隊加油，女孩們，加油
-加油，走吧 -讚啊
（舞動全場） （絕無冷場）
就是這樣
達碧…達碧
呦
大家接受我、讚美我，甚至還崇拜我
一個月前根本不會有人認得我
現在卻給我這樣的評論…
火焰表情符號，火焰表情符號
王冠表情符號
還有…
不錯嘛，眼冒愛心表情符號
甚至還有…
-茄子表情符號 -噴水表情符號
只要是關注都是好關注
每個讚、評論和IG轉發貼文 都讓人開心不已
我感受到一股特別的力量
在比賽的晚上，我感到活力充沛
各位先生女士
做甜甜圈的時候到了
甜甜圈…甜甜圈
上啊，上啊
加油，達碧…加油，達碧
（達陣，美洲獅隊）
（長傳，短傳） （加油，美洲獅隊）
正式開始
慢著，不
-老兄 -妳好
-妳挺會跳舞的嘛 -沒錯
-對啊 -是啊
天啊，我好久沒這樣大笑，己經…
我從來沒這樣大笑過，我的臉頰好痠
慢著，慢著，妳的臉頰痠？
至少你摔倒時有填充裝墊著
好
達碧，我很想跟妳說一件事
達碧，妳要去湖邊嗎？
-好 -太好了
真棒
-抱歉 -別這麼說
反正我迫不及待想脫掉這件蠢人偶裝
但我們下週去喝杯咖啡如何？
約在週四放學後好嗎？
要去獨立烘焙者嗎？就在市中心
-到時候見 -好
好，好，就這麼說定了
好，我們再來拍一張
-準備好了嗎？笑一個 -走吧
妳應該知道妳不必在比賽結束後 跟吉祥物聊天吧？
我知道，他只是想約我下週去喝咖啡
妳能想像嗎？
甜甜圈道格拉斯帶妳去星巴克
好驚人
天啊
我的叔叔說我們能借他的房子辦派對
-不會吧 -天啊
妳知道湖邊那間大型玻璃屋嗎？
慢著，那是妳叔叔的房子？
對，她叔叔有投資加密銀行應用程式 叫做撈錢
就是一個很像銀行的應用程式
但不用去真正的銀行 只要上應用程式，然後撈錢
不，布莉，那是一間真正的銀行
只是錢不是真的
總之，派對一定會很讚的
快跟她說有多盛大
吊燈裡面有吊燈
-對 -各位，我們去湖邊吧
喝酒喝個痛快，好嗎？對吧？
達碧週五晚上沒空，還記得嗎？
-她爸要她早點回家 -對
但返校委員會的負責人也會去
我們可以為女王入圍名單的事拍她馬屁
那會很無聊的
妳應該來一趟
妳今晚不用工作嗎？
那不是妳最重要的事嗎？
-求妳了 -來嘛，哈珀
為我們破例一次嘛
-別這樣，哈珀 -來嘛
-一定會很好玩的 -好吧，等我一下
-我要打給我爸 -太好了
-很好 -要得到同意才行
好
妳能跟死咖說我臨時有事
-今晚無法過去嗎？ -什麼？
妳確定要為了喝 有草莓妹屁縫味的含酒精汽水
而放死咖的鴿子嗎？
別這樣，求妳了
以前我在週五都沒在休假的
我們剛剛贏了比賽
今晚我沒心情跟死人混
無意冒犯
好吧，我也不想跟死人混啊
那就跟我們一起去
然後像麥克邁爾斯一樣躲在樹叢裡
看著你們玩樂嗎？
我心領了
-快點啦，哈珀 -快來
來了
妳知道他們要借 泰勒的叔叔的別墅辦派對嗎？
很棒的消息，對吧？
這樣就對了
我們走吧
-派對時間，很好 -走吧
派對結束後我要繼續當自閉女
但在那之前，耍這些正常人其實挺爽的
抬頭挺胸
但我不能否認變得有影響力 讓人有點醺醺然
光靠我一個人就帶來流行趨勢
我耶，那個隱形女
那個沒存在感的女生
小達
妳期待週五的比賽嗎？
「小達」？
我更期待你們這次能觸地得分
（法雷迪道格拉斯高中）
好，帳篷週六早上會到
DJ舞棍狗狗會在聲田建立協作播放清單
我們就能加入自己的愛歌
-卡普莉的愛歌 -瞭解
陶德會帶啤酒桶 鴿子的情況進行得如何？
我媽幫我們在亞馬遜網站訂了一隻
我跟她說妳打算在午夜放走牠，她就哭了
真是充滿詩意，這招真妙
這不能歸功於我
這應該是卡普莉會想出來的主意
才怪，她才沒那種腦袋
-搞什麼… -快看…
剪輯師把最後剪輯完的宣傳片寄給我了
今晚我會上傳
本週六，卡普莉多納休的 科切拉音樂節主題安息活動
安息派對
這場派對如此盛大，他們在來世都聽得見
標籤打上關懷觸電身亡週
快上IG追蹤我們
不見不散
（#關懷觸電身亡週）
太讚了
我都起雞皮疙瘩了
這是我見過最棒的紀念派對宣傳影片
對吧？
天啊
-天啊 -幹嘛？怎麼回事？
他們上傳了返校女王入圍名單
恭喜妳，小妞
-什麼？ -不…不，一定是搞錯了
天啊，妳一定會贏的
特別是妳的派對 一定會成為史上最酷的派對
現在變成妳的派對了？是這樣嗎？
我的派對？不，各位，這才不是我的派對
是卡普莉的派對
-那當然 -對，是啊
不見得
但這已經有點像是妳的派對了
那是妳的主意，這一切都是妳計劃的
不，那是我的主意，泰勒
這一切都是我計劃的
那當然，但這都是為了卡普莉，記得嗎？
快跟她們說我就在這裡 我受夠當隱形人了
-是一隻蜜蜂 -是嗎？
-是一隻蜜蜂 -妳一定要這樣嗎？
-是啊 -妳想離開嗎？
不，沒事了，它一直飛來飛去
好
妳們應該去更衣室，我要暖身一下
暖身？我們才剛結束練習
布莉，身體冷掉的話 怎麼贏得全國大賽呢？
妳真的好怪
-但很有道理 -我說得很有道理
隨便啦，好吧，再見
-再見 -再見
再見
妳是我的英雄
妳要害我被揭穿嗎？
那場派對的主角應該是我
妳已經搶走我的鋒頭了
什麼？才怪
卡普莉，到時候會有40英尺的投影
在夜空上出現妳的臉
跟蝙蝠俠信號燈沒兩樣
沒錯，這樣返校委員會 或許會當成是妳的功勞
我當不成返校女王就算了 或許還會淪為笑柄
他們還會把豬血淋在我身上
我知道無法出現在人間的感覺很糟
但妳真的沒必要嫉妒…
我才沒有嫉妒妳，少往臉上貼金
這週我要睡在我的房子裡
妳自己去挑返校禮服吧，老娘才不會幫妳
蓋瑞，有事嗎？
這是我的朋友梅爾
他原本週五晚上去找妳，妳剛好不在
而他現在很沮喪，達碧
他說他覺得不太對勁，這很反常
他已經準備好邁向下個階段
好，我又不是來世的邊境巡邏隊
他可以自己去面對
那是當然的，但…
他需要妳先幫他帶話給他的孩子
他想跟他說自己很抱歉 沒能接納他的同志身分
他不怪，他是同志
對，我的兒子艾倫是同志
無論如何我都愛他和他的丈夫
我想他們一定能成為很棒的父母
妳都聽到了
很抱歉我那天不在，梅爾
-那場練習表現得很棒，小達 -是啊
你也是
聽好
週五晚上來找我，我會親自幫你，好嗎？
-好 -一言為定
-謝謝妳，達碧 -謝謝妳，達碧
-爸 -嘿
-妳應該不會留下來吃晚餐吧？ -不吃，我要去詹姆士家
寶貝，聽好，我很高興妳今年交到朋友了
但一切還好嗎？
妳似乎變了一個人
天啊，爸，你逼我去過社交生活
結果我照做了你還唸我
-你到底要我怎樣？ -好吧
妳說得有道理
但寶貝，我只是在關心妳
你不必擔心我，好嗎？
我很好
我還是以前的達碧
我的生日禮物要攝影棚燈具組
我房間的燈光既溫暖又舒適 感覺好不舒服
你懂的
總之，再見
再見
沒錯，最好還是原來的達碧
妳知道章魚有三顆大腦嗎？
不對
-什麼意思？ -你說錯了
牠們有九顆大腦
拜託一下，下週就要考試了
快看我前幾天找到的東西
快看這個，我們在…
六年級時去天文館校外教學照的
哇
哈珀和哈里斯
我那時候覺得妳好酷
什麼？不會吧
妳跟其他人好不一樣
明天回學校少了卡普莉一定會很奇怪
妳有聽說她那愚蠢的甜蜜17歲派對嗎？
我知道，我好像有聽別人提起
泰勒、布莉和派珀 想吸引大家注意力真是想瘋了
她們竟然假借緬懷卡普莉的名義 來達成目的
但這個理由很好啊
關注意外觸電身亡議題？
到底是哪個白癡想出來的？
-那間樹屋好酷喔 -是啊
妳想去看看嗎？
我很久沒上來這裡了，自從…
（詹和卡）
我媽過世後，我好幾個月都沒走出房門
我只是…
我覺得如果我回到正常生活
無視她已經不在人世的事實
那就像是自欺欺人
但你的心情的確會慢慢平復，是真的
我知道你行的
謝謝
妳真的懂我的感受
他幹嘛這樣看我？
現在是怎樣？
達碧，明天妳能陪我去學校嗎？
沒問題，我會去的
不，我是說我能去接妳嗎？
我很難面對卡普莉已經不在人世了
我需要有人在我身邊
沒問題，有何不可？
謝了，達碧
妳的頭髮真好聞
謝謝，這是洗髮精的味道，我該走了
已經很晚了
-好吧 -好
-明天見 -好
-下去時要小心 -我直接跳下去好了
-需要幫忙嗎？ -不用，我可以的
這只是剛好住得近，一起坐車去學校罷了
卡普莉說不定會感謝我陪伴他
妳敢肖想小詹的話
我會把妳浸在馬桶裡
妳要介紹一下妳的男友嗎？
什麼？誰說的？
才不是，他只是我的生物學搭檔
好吧，男友、生物學搭檔 隨便你們怎麼說
該面對現實了
好，上生物學時見
慢著，妳能陪我走過去嗎？
糟了
好啊，詹姆士
詹姆士哈里斯回來了
達碧哈珀是如何在他第一天回來鐘響前
吸引到他的？
他們現在在一起嗎？
詹姆士
這應該是史上最快 在女友過世後找到備胎的人
詹姆士，歡迎回來，老兄
這沒什麼好看的，各位 不就是我跟詹姆士哈里斯嗎？
只有我跟布雷克謝爾頓所說的男孩
「一個才華洋溢的人 我應該把椅子轉過來的」
這個人難道愛上我了嗎？
一切都很正常啊
他們在牽手
卡普莉多納休絕對會把我浸在馬桶裡
什麼？
所以妳跟詹姆士現在在交往？
因為大家都說今早你們在走廊上放閃了
不，不，沒有這種事
他的手只是稍微掃過我的手而已
他還沒走出卡普莉的陰影
是啊，可憐的詹姆士，那個傷心的傢伙
是啊，我會小心點
他很黏人，而且一定還沒走出傷痛
在道德上來說，這樣很沒品
沒錯，卡普莉甚至屍骨未寒
三位，那只是一次搭便車上課而已
達碧
妳想搭我的車回家嗎？
不用了，謝謝
我要去運動一下
好吧，晚點過來一趟
我為妳寫了一首歌
-還有一首歌耶 -天啊
我該走了
她要穿那樣跑回去？
她根本住很遠
今天是星期四
距離派對開始還有兩天
我能保持低調直到…
靠，今天是星期四
（獨立烘焙者）
（咖啡）
以前我的書房裡有好多木箱 裝滿12吋黑膠唱片
可以看內頁說明 還能實際碰觸感受到它們
可是雲端音樂
它到底在哪？我根本搞不懂
天啊，你們可以閉嘴嗎？
真不敢相信我高二這年
要聽兩個嬰兒潮死人
聊報紙、打字機和網路電視的事
那妳幹嘛不跟達碧和好？
那又怎樣？
她是返家女王，妳卻不是，那也沒什麼
是返校女王
-感謝糾正 -聽好，卡普莉
妳應該以妳自己為榮
妳讓達碧走進人群，那可是了不起的本事
是啊，現在大家把注意力全放在她身上 還搶走我派對的功勞
沒錯
我的小姨子蘿絲在我的葬禮上獻唱
大家只會說蘿絲唱得有多好
蘿絲的嗓音有多美
那是我的葬禮耶 妳知道他們說我什麼嗎？
「他以前比較帥」
-還真敢耶 -兩位…兩位
有誰在乎？
你們都已經掛了
妳在那裡發脾氣
就為了一個妳無法參加的 另一個空間的派對
妳知道這有多扯嗎？
不然還有什麼意義？
我的目的是什麼？
妳在另一個世界會找到的
聽好，我逗留在人間是有原因的
我想跟琳達在一起
但妳還那麼年輕又聰明絕頂
還有美好的死亡世界等著妳
妳何必待在人間當個隱形人？
妳得趕快離開這裡
謝了，蓋瑞
好
她真是電力四射
你知道這是她的死因吧？
艾力克斯
我很抱歉喝咖啡的事爽約了
沒關係
妳很忙
聽說妳現在和詹姆士哈里斯交往
不，不，我沒跟詹姆士交往
妳大可傳訊息給我
我等了將近20分鐘
我該走了，但我很想…
晚點再聊，好
卡普莉，在妳爸家還好嗎？
不太好
我媽把我的臥室變成她的個人瑜伽教室
所以…
好，我有話要跟妳說
沒問題
好，我很高興妳來了
-我有事要跟妳說 -我也是
我想為辦派對過度反應的事道歉
我決定我要以妳… 以我們入圍返校名單為榮
我得提醒自己
我是一手打造 妳這尊大衛像的米開朗基羅
真棒，我有事要告訴妳
但在妳嚇壞前，我要妳先聽我解釋
-是關於我和… -真高興你回來了
詹姆士，他今天來上學了
妳看他真可愛，整個人容光煥發
好，卡普莉，聽我說，好嗎？
那是一場誤會，妳一定會覺得荒謬…
原來妳在這裡
我到處在找妳
這樣太超過了嗎？
現在是怎樣？
這下可好，該怎麼辦？
好，詹姆士
自從妳前幾天晚上來過我家後 我一直想著妳
-妳跟詹姆士在交往？ -沒有
我知道我們互有好感 昨天當妳牽我的手…
-什麼？ -不，不
不，我沒牽你的手，是你先牽我的
妳這蕩婦
我感受到這股火花和…
-我只是累…累壞了，對 -妳還好嗎？
我知道自己還沒釋懷卡普莉的事 但就是…
-我很高興終於能… -住手
再度感受到幸福 好久沒有這種感覺了，而我…
我想她也會這麼希望
不，我不認為她會這麼想
抱歉，詹姆士
我得去上課，祝你有美好的一天
天啊，我得跟妳說多少次？
我們之間沒發生任何事
妳才不會承認
-現在也不會 -承認什麼？
承認妳愛死我的生活，還想變成我
我一點都不像妳，好嗎？
妳不必擔心我和詹姆士
天啊，這是在鬧哪齣？ 《不安分的青春》嗎？
我要走了
我不擔心詹姆士，他只是想找人陪他療傷
妳該不會天真地以為他喜歡妳吧？
這麼說有點傷人
妳甚至不是真正的人
是我一手把妳創造出來的
我替妳打扮，教妳行為舉止 這樣妳才能受歡迎
但在妳的內心深處
妳知道自己只是個看得到死人的怪咖
或許那就是妳媽不想來見妳的原因
兩位，我要正式向妳們道別
大家出去，通通給我出去
現在不是好時機
妳的男友在跟妳這種畢生 都把時間浪費在俗事上的胸墊女交往後
發現老娘我清新脫俗又不是我害的
是我打造妳的
我能輕而易舉地就把妳粉身碎骨
明晚妳休想參加我的派對
妳忘記我們之間最大的不同，寶貝
我是活人
我才不會被一個 吃醋愛生氣的死人女孩嚇壞
只要老娘爽，我就會去那場派對
拜託，連這場派對都是我計劃的
好吧，我是有點被生氣 愛吃醋的死人女孩嚇壞了
明天我打死都不會靠近那場派對
孩子
妳怎麼週六還待在學校裡？
我聽到傳言說
妳昨晚有點嚇壞了，我想說來看看妳
我一直在找妳
抱歉，但我…
我再也不能跟你聊天了，蓋瑞
我想當個正常人
達碧，妳覺得自己不正常嗎？
確切來說，我想當
不會跟死人聊天的那種正常女孩
這樣你懂嗎？
親愛的，但這就是妳的個人特色
妳要不要跟卡普莉聊這件事？
或許跟妳同齡的朋友能幫…
我才不要跟卡普莉聊
她永遠都不會是我的朋友
她只是在利用我
好吧，我想…
我想那只是妳單方面這樣認為
但從不同的角度來看
或許她是啟發妳更多潛力的人
她根本沒為我做任何事
她只是無法邁入下個階段的魯蛇滯留者
我很遺憾妳有這種感覺，達碧
在一個月前失去他們的女兒卡普莉蔻後
多納休家面臨雪上加霜的情況
（「熱瑜伽」，瑜伽教室起火）
警方希望對縱火案知情的民眾能出面指證
寶貝，晚餐好了
我去應門
詹姆士？
妳能跟我一起去兜兜風嗎？
我現在好害怕，這聽起來很扯
但我覺得卡普莉在跟我溝通
就像今天，她的照片從我的衣櫥掉下來
怎麼說呢？還有電視自己就打開了
上面播的是今晚派對的新聞報導，而我…
-我發誓這是真的 -那當然
今天很不好受
我的心情愈來愈難以平復
還有我很抱歉，達碧
我應該還沒準備好談下一段感情
謝天謝地你告訴我這件事
因為我還以為不是這樣
但我希望我們還是朋友
那當然，沒問題，詹姆士
謝謝你對我坦誠以對
我心永恆
我們竟然假約會，真分手
這樣不太好，一點都不好
詹姆士，我以為你反對這場派對
泰勒、派珀和布莉在利用卡普莉的死 來提升社交地位
-這樣很下流，還記得嗎？ -我才不在乎她們
好嗎？我只想跟卡普莉道別
看看是誰來了，原來是這對幸福情侶
我是為了卡普莉而來的
我才不是以某個假公益活動的名義 來推銷自己
你該不會又帶著木吉他 想搞砸派對氣氛吧？
你是說你的新女友 想出來的假公益活動嗎？
什麼？
這是妳的主意？
雖然她打扮得超土的
主題是科切拉音樂節，不是鄉村音樂節
不是這樣的，嚴格來說不是
我能在車上解釋，但我們現在該走了
達碧，你們兩個一起參加太不恰當了
卡普莉會氣炸的
天啊，不
不，不
煙火應該是在午夜才會釋放
快走…快走
不會吧，妳真的要在 桶裝啤酒派對上搞騷靈現象？
真是見鬼了，卡普莉
這一定是派對上關懷觸電死亡的橋段
艾力克斯？
你怎麼會在這裡？
我才不會錯過免費的酒
和一探派對最新科切拉音樂節 流行趨勢的機會
抱歉，妳一定不想被人看到 跟甜甜圈怪咖搭話
妳現在是酷妹
祝妳有個美好的夜晚
慢著，別走
我也是怪咖
或者應該說以前是
喝…喝
小達，妳好嗎？
-妳沒事吧？ -你有看到詹姆士嗎？
有，他應該在樓上
但聽好，詹姆士看起來很不爽，小達
詹姆士
她在這裡，她真的在這裡
誰在這裡？我沒看到任何人
這只是一個蠢遊戲，好嗎？根本不管用
嗨，賤人
沒關係，別怕，是她
她想跟我講事情
我知道她在這裡
我覺得跟妳有關
若妳跟大家說妳看得到鬼 還有承認自己是怪咖
事情就不會落得這種局面
-你看到沒？ -那是通靈板嗎？
是誰幹的好事？住手
糟了
-差點打到我 -超毛的
快跟著它
快走…快走
先把音樂停掉，老兄
有人在我叔叔家操作無人機嗎？
老兄，他們有雇用魔術師嗎？
詹姆士，怎麼回事？
我是妳就會拖延返校女王致詞的準備工作
發生這種事後 妳的得票數應該好不到哪去
是誰停掉音樂的？
天啊
你們也有看到嗎？
這是戲劇社搞的鬼嗎？
我好害怕，我要閃人了
卡、普、莉
卡普莉？卡普莉
-天啊 -好毛喔
快停止這場鬧劇，妳嚇到大家了
-我明明叫妳不准來的 -達碧，妳看得到她嗎？
-他在說什麼？ -我…
誰？
好吧
我服了妳，妳想怎樣？
讓我驚豔一下
到底是怎麼回事？
-不，她要去… -達碧
-不…不，她上台了 -好
-來不及了 -大家好，你們知道嗎？
我是一個看得到死人的天生怪咖
我會受歡迎是因為卡普莉多納休的鬼魂 把我塑造成她的樣子
我只是個傀儡
我喜歡這種說法，繼續講
她教我如何打扮以及該有的言行舉止
就為了交朋友
而這的確派上用場
當我沒有自信心時，她讓我變得有自信
我只是一個沒安全感的酸民
躲在角落裡批評你們這些正常的青少年
但我們沒有一個人是正常的
我們都有缺點和沒安全感 既美麗又醜陋…
-妳一點都不醜 -妳也不醜
我無法從自我封閉的狀態中看到這一點
卡普莉改變了我
卡普莉很獨特
而我…
趕快結束掉吧
只是個怪咖女
-妳爛透了 -妳這冒牌貨
啦啦隊員鬼魂，妳能繼續放音樂嗎？
好了，嗨咖們
舉起你們的雙手，嗨起來
讚啦
發射砲彈
（啦啦隊員觸電身亡）
（摩天輪害死三個人）
（上班時間） （只有每週五晚上）
你以為啦啦隊員的亡魂搞砸自己的派對
會造成一片混亂
但人們喜歡對令人費解的現象 找到合理的說明
不，我跟你說，有人把搖頭丸加進啤酒桶
布洛迪說的
但通靈板的下面有黏著磁鐵
它從我頭上飛過去時我有看到
其他人似乎直接無視自己難以理解的事情
你錯過一場盛大的派對了 你知道發生什麼事了嗎？
庫柏在人群裡裸奔，直接跳進泳池
在短短的一個月內
-我從… -是她
隱形人
成為社交女王
再變成大家避而遠之的人
她簡直是瘋子
（達碧哈珀16）
「天啊，那全是靠修圖的」
妳假裝看得到死人，#取消追蹤達碧哈珀
（取消追蹤委員會）
有句話說：「我死也不會跟你在一起」
實在講得很貼切
現在這麼說實在很怪
但妳是我最好的…
我唯一的朋友
別這樣，妳不想害蓋瑞傷心吧？
妳還在這裡？
沒錯
在妳離開派對後，我意識到…
我不該逼妳成為別人
好讓我能辦一場蠢派對
抱歉
沒錯，那的確是很蠢的派對
但至少讓我獲得一隻很酷的寵物
我把牠取名為卡普莉蔻
天啊，我竟然流露出
可悲地想引人注意的鬼魂的樣子
到處飛來飛去
還去嚇高中生
現在詹姆士的狀態很不好
他一整天坐在通靈板前，在晚上放餅乾
把我當聖誕老人似的
是啊
說不定這件事會讓妳好受些
我讓我真正喜歡的人徹底失望了
慢著，什麼？
我從未跟甜甜圈喝過咖啡
甜甜圈？
那個妳說會被當成邊緣人的人
天啊
別聽我的話，或是泰勒、布莉或派珀的話
我們都錯了
妳喜歡的對象和事情應該由妳決定
我喜歡妳這種勵志的芭比風格
謝了，她已經改頭換面了
妳對邁向下個階段感覺如何？
我已經準備好了
我已經面對我最大的恐懼
就是穿著同一套衣服超過一週
總之
前天晚上我曾說妳媽的壞話 這讓我很過意不去
那讓我意識到多年以來我是多麼地自私
所以我去打聽了一下
然後…
嗨，達碧
妳的確待在人間
-沒錯 -但妳從來…
我從來不想離開妳
我試圖邁向下個階段，但…
我想知道妳會好好的…
再度對別人敞開心房
我是說活人
而妳做到了
妳是我的遺願，達碧
妳相信轉世嗎？
我在這一世很幸運
所以我想在下一世 我會投胎到更好的地方…
然後成為下一個梅根馬克爾之類的
答應我妳會照顧詹姆士 讓他知道我已經邁向下個階段
我答應妳
謝謝妳的霸道
偶爾還有點暴力地
讓我破繭而出
妳是我遇過最特立獨行的酷妹
妳也是，我說真的
那當然
永別了，賤人
我再也不認為高中
這麼折磨人了
哈珀
結果我的假男友變成真朋友
-哈里斯 -好耶
我繼續待在啦啦隊
那讓我感覺更加親近兩個重要的人
（緬懷卡普莉多納休）
達碧
蓋瑞
好久不見了
我想為我之前的行為道歉
妳在胡說什麼？別鬧了
別自責，這種事會讓人變得困惑，對吧？
是啊
對了，我跟妳說
他們帶琳達到安寧病房了 她快不久於人世了
哇
-蓋瑞，這真是個好消息 -就是說啊
我懂，我懂 現在我們終於能離開人間，而且…
再度相聚
糟了
一直沒能幫梅爾傳話讓我很過意不去
你知道他兒子住哪嗎？
妳大可放心，甜甜圈已經搞定了
-什麼？ -甜甜圈
你在…
-蓋瑞，你氣色不錯 -謝了
-再見 -再見
不會吧
你也看得到他？
-對 -那你幹嘛不跟我說？
我試過了
我第一天來這裡時，看到妳和蓋瑞在說話
但這種事不好大聲嚷嚷
然後我試圖找個地方私下跟妳說 妳卻沒出現
對
但怎麼會？
去年我在一場嚴重車禍後陷入昏迷
當我醒來時
我跟隔壁床的人成為很好的朋友
結果他早在兩天前去世了
哇
精神科醫師說這是精神幻覺
我的父母嚇壞了
他們讓我退學
我很擅長假裝看不到死人
就連死人都不知道我看得見他們
幫助梅爾度過陰陽界
讓我有種這個詛咒終於成為天賦的感覺
是啊
你先等我一下
真不敢相信有這種事
我從來沒機會跟人聊起這種事
應該說是活人，除了你們 但你們不在這裡
無論你們身在何方
妳在跟誰說話？
嗨
慢著，你也看得到他們？
沒錯，我看得到他們
還有他們
我還看到妳
達碧哈珀
我正準備重新營業，目前在徵人
我當過堅寶果汁的副經理
真厲害
離職原因呢？
因為看得到死人被送入精神病房
-你被雇用了 -到時候見
天…
那場練習真是太讚了
是啊，超激烈的
我跟甜甜圈有約
真的嗎？
-真不錯 -好棒喔
-是啊 -我愛妳
那是什麼？
給妳拍影片的燈光組
這樣妳就能耀眼動人
謝了，爸，你最好了，但…
你可以拿去退掉
-我再也不拍影片了 -為什麼不拍？
大多數是因為社群媒體 讓我們對自己的外表沒信心
這樣他們才能把 我們不需要的東西賣給我們
這才是我認識的達碧哈珀
今晚妳要跟妳的朋友出去吃晚餐嗎？
其實我在想或許 我們能訂個披薩，一起聊天
我們應該一起玩彈跳床
我不確定是否玩得動
你行的
那是我們搬家前的事
-沒錯 -那個時候好快樂
我們應該把那個溜滑梯留下來才對
那個好好玩
慢著，我也有？
（在未來的某個週五晚上）
（哈珀的陰陽交界處）
你好嗎？
我很好，你呢？
去開房間啦
（翻拍自薇諾娜維爾姆斯的故事）